I’m yelling tinder!

wpid-Screenshot_2014-01-21-11-21-53-1.pngThis new phenomenon called Tinder is taking over the dating scene. However, I don’t know how much “dating” actually takes place between the Tinderellas and Tinderonis that are swiping day in and day out. It’s probably one of the most shallow activities I’ve ever participated in yet I can’t get enough of it! It’s something to do while sitting on the metro, wasting time on the porcelain throne, pretending to work out at the gym, or when you just can’t seem to fall asleep [forget counting sheep!]I will probably develop arthritis in my thumb if I keep it up…. so much swiping! If you’re looking for Mr. Right you may want to forgo Tinder and join Match… or go to church [whatever works best for you] but it’s perfect if you’re looking for Mr. Right Now. Personally, I tinder for shits and giggles… I mean, why not? It’s definitely an ego booster when you get a match.

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Hallejulah! Someone finds me remotely attractive based on six random photos of myself [that my friends so lovingly picked for me]! I can finally get on with my day [just kidding]. Now the likelihood of me messaging the stud above is slim to none [because that would make way too much sense and I’m an irrational female] and I definitely won’t be holding my breath while waiting for a witty message from him. Gents, if you do message a girl, don’t ask her if she wants to “cuddle”. We all know what that means, and no, we don’t want to. Okay, well maybe some girls do [all the power to you girlfriend!]. At least buy me a drink before you try to take my pants off… Jeez.

Tinder also allows you to see how many friends you have in common on Facebook, if any, which allows you to Facebook stalk the cute boy thats nearby [sweet!]. This definitely plays a role in my decision to swipe right or left. Always remember, when in doubt, swipe left. I mean, do you really want to risk swiping right to the babe that’s Facebook friends with the crazy girl you used to be friendly with? No, you don’t… unless you’re me because YOLO [yes, I said YOLO. Get over it.]. So in that instance, I did swipe right against my better judgement because he is soOoOo dreamy [luckily nothing bad ever came of it].

Now Tinder isn’t all rainbows and butterflies… the one issue I have with it is that I can’t search for someone based on height. Sure, you may look good but how tall are you? How do you ask your new found stud muffin how tall he is without coming across as a total douche? Being 5’10, I need to know if I am going to tower over you when we meet up for HH after work, because you know I’ll be wearing heels which turns me into a 6’1 sasquatch with a pencil skirt. Tinder tip for all you single fellas: Put your height in your personal statement. Ladies love that shit. 

One plus to Tinder is that there is a plethora of options for you. I came across this gem during my swipe fest one day:

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The fact that someone like this was 5 miles from me makes me a little uneasy [sorry Joey!]…. Oh, and then there’s this type of guy:

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That’s a nice set of abs homeboy, but come on!  If I want to stare at picture perfect abs all day, I’ll hit up Google. At least Google won’t ask me to cuddle. And then there was this:

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It Aint what? Oh right… it aint happening. Next!

One way to spice things up is to let your friends Tinder for you… and it usually involves booze [obviously]. That’s what I like to do anyways. It makes for much more interesting matches and makes me feel like I’m living on the wild side… especially when I have tequila running through my veins. Just make sure your friends have your best interest at heart… otherwise you will end up with your roommate swiping right for EVERYONE [you know who you are!].

So to all you commitment-phobes [like myself] who like the casual dating scene, give it a shot. Make sure you stretch before hand. Your thumb is about to get a good workout. Happy hunting!

Ciao for now.

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A little to the left…

sexOnce upon a time…. my friend Gunther and I enjoyed a nice four legged frolic. I mean, what else is there to do when it’s snowing like it’s the north pole… right? Anyways, after the typical pillow talk and exchanging high fives on a job well done, my brain just wasn’t ready to shut off. As Gunther lay there snoring like a big hairy man bear [totally hot!], I couldn’t help but wonder… is it socially acceptable to give your partner tips on how to better please you? Don’t worry… Gunther knows what he’s doing [in case you were worried].

But what if your shagging partner gets lost downtown and never gets to the final destination? What’s the point in boning if you’re not even going to get your rocks off? A’iint nobody got time for dat!

So I say go for it! It’s definitely a sensitive subject, but totally necessary in certain circumstances. But if your dude was just born with talent [like Gunther…and me, obviously], congrats! Keep up the good work!

So to all you fornicating betches out there, if you’re in this pre-dick-a-ment, there are a three ways you can go about this:

  1. Completely ignore the fact that the sex is subpar. At least you’ll be great at faking it. [And maybe you should invest in a battery operated device, as well.]
  2. Passive-agressively point him to a how-to article on the internet, like the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy. Beware: now he knows he sucks. You may have to reap the consequences of that.
  3. Have him put some training wheels on and guide him through the process [my personal favorite].

Whichever way you decide, be sensitive. We all like to think we are masters in the genital region, so it can be easy to get butt hurt when someone says otherwise. Sure, it may be a little awkward to tell him he needs directions, but in the end, both of you will be grateful when you help him steer his way through the vaginal valley of adventure. If he’s a man, he’ll get over the fact that he needs to improve, and focus on the goal ahead. Same goes to you, fellas. Don’t be afraid to tell your woman if she needs help when it comes to your bean stalk. Personally, I always aim to please so I can’t imagine that some constructive criticism wouldn’t be beneficial. Onwards and upwards, my friends!

Ciao for now!

I can’t.

worthI recently had a buddy of mine tell me he was “finally happy again” because he met a girl [and by recent I mean this afternoon]. Ugh… I wanted to throw up and punch him in the face all at the same time [luckily I did neither because that would be messy and not very nice]. Don’t get me wrong… I’m thrilled that he met someone that makes his heart flutter because he’s a pretty cool cat but seriously! It drives me to drink when I hear people say that their happiness depends on someone else. I just can’t. How can you be happy with someone else if you can’t be happy with yourself? Have some self-worth people!

I know it’s easy to think that you can’t be happy without your “one true love” and the idea of being without them causes minor heart palpitations but it’s not true. Sure, heartache can significantly impact your life [been there] but just because someone doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t make you any less of a person [and vice versa]. Don’t let Joe Shmoe from the Poconos make you feel like you’re happiness relies solely on him because it doesn’t! And if he does think that, tell him to kick rocks [preferably a big boulder so he breaks his big toe…jerk].

So to all the ladies out there that think they aren’t pretty because some boy isn’t interested in you, STOP. To the fellas out there that are down in the dumps because some chick blew you off, STOP. You are FABULOUS. You are FUNNY. You are PRETTY. You are worth a million bucks and if someone can’t see that, then it’s their loss – not yours! If you love yourself, the right person will love you for who you are and think know you’re amazing. Please remember that.

Never let someone else’s insignificant opinion of you EVER bring you down. Capiche?

Okay, I’ll get off my soap box now. Ciao for now lovelies!

Valentine’s Day

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As many of you know, Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. I’m sure some of you are panicking because you still have yet to plan a romantic evening for your hunny, while some of you are already planning on binge drinking boxed wine and stuffing your face with chocolate because you’re single and alone [been there, done that].

For the first time in my single life, I’m not dreading February 14. Better late then never, right? It feels good, to be honest. Usually Valentine’s Day hovers over me like a menacing storm cloud but not this year. I feel like there is a cluster of singles out there that absolutely despise this so called “Hallmark Holiday”… Actually, I know there are because I use to be one of them. But not anymore! Hallelujah!!

I really do love, love. I know from personal experience that one of the best feelings is loving someone and having them love you in return. It’s fantastic and I genuinely hope that each and every one of you experience it at some point in your life. I’m surrounded by friends and family that are in love and I’m so happy for them. Enjoy the sappiness while it last folks… I’m in rare form this morning!

So to all the couples out there… I hope your little love muffin showers you with love and affection on Valentine’s Day. But not just on February 14. That’s just one day out of many. I believe in  showing your significant other that you love them every single day. And I don’t mean by buying them gifts every day. It’s the little things that matter like asking her how her day went [and actually listening to her while she tells you], making him dinner after a long day at the office, or even telling her how beautiful she is for no reason except to see her smile. See… I am secretly am a hopeless romantic deep down inside!

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate your relationships with the ones you love. I will be celebrating the love I have for myself. I know, I know. It probably sounds crazy and selfish but I have been in a committed relationship with myself for a long time, and you know what? I’m happy. So this Valentine’s Day is for me, myself, and I. I love myself and the woman I have become over the years. I hope all of you feel the same way about yourselves, because you deserve it!

It’s also about the love you have for the people that are close to you. So for all you bachelors and bachelorettes out there that are dreading V-Day, don’t! Surround yourself with friends and family that love you. Do something nice for yourself, go out and have a good time [even if that involves binge drinking wine!] and ignore what society says Valentine’s Day is all about. Go celebrate your life, your freedom to do whatever the hell you want, and most importantly, the love you have for YOU!

Ciao for now! screen-capture-4

BFB: Best Friend’s Brother

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Picture this: you’ve met the perfect an awesome guy [no one’s perfect…right?]. Funny? Check. Cute? Check. Tall? Check! Oh, but there’s a catch. He’s your friend’s brother. Can you say awkward?!

I know I’m not the first girl to run into this problem [however I may be one of the few to admit it]. It’s not a mystery as to why this would happen either. I obviously enjoy spending time with my friend, think he’s funny, etc. and his brother is [almost] the same person, just in a different body. Disclaimer: I do not have a secret crush on my friend because that would be super weird and uncomfortable. I just want to clear that up. So now what? Well… it’s a sticky situation.

I have always lived by the rule that friends’ family members are 100% off limits! No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. Luckily for me, I’ve never even been remotely attracted to my friends’ siblings  so no one has ever made me challenge that rule… until now. I swear 2014 has thrown me so many curveballs already it’s ridiculous!

Always remember before you enter into the danger zone, that there is always  the risk of this “relationship” ruining your friendship. Is it worth it? Probably not. Will your friend care? Possibly. Even if they seem not to care, it can still be tricky. I suggest you subtly feel your friend out to get an idea of how much he or she will freak when they learn you may want to bone [or engage in some heavy petting with] their brother before you actually bump uglies with him. Or you could be like me and drunkenly admit it out loud… in front of everyone… during brunch after a few mimosas… after the deed has already been done [oops… sorry, J!] Secrets, secrets are no fun unless they’re shared with everyone! …Right?

Now  I’m not usually one to kiss and tell but the guilt was like a 100 pound dumbbell hanging from my conscious, just dragging me down slowly. Ok, so that may not seem like a lot of weight to you [if you’re a buff muscle machine] but I prefer to limit the weight on my conscious to 25 lbs dumbbells. At the time it seemed easier just to spill the beans right then… [kinda like ripping off a band aid… all in one foul swoop]. Maybe it was the DELICIOUS mimosas but luckily my friend just laughed it off [I hope you high fived your bro later because obviously I’m such a great catch! Haha].

Will it happen again? Ehh… I don’t like to limit myself and I really don’t like making promises I can’t keep so I’ll plead the fifth on that one. But for all of you boot-knockin-son-of-a-guns that want to keep your little love fest afloat, there are a few main things to keep in mind. Always make time for your friend without their sibling/your new love toy. You never want either one of them to feel like the third wheel [because it sucks!]. In a perfect world, all three of you could be inseparable and no one would feel left out but the likliehood of that happening is slim to none [not being pessimistic, just being realistic]. Be aware of the amount of PDA going on. If you’re not a fan of PDA to begin with then this won’t be a problem. But if you’re like me, a little [and I mean very little] PDA never hurt anyone. That being said, no one enjoys being a witness to two people playing tonsil hockey [unless you get off to that…no judgement here!]. Never go to your friend about your relationship issues you may have with their sibling. Blood is thicker than water so that is just asking for trouble.

And then the GOLDEN RULE: If things don’t work out between you and your main squeeze and you go your separate ways, don’t let that ruin your friendship with your pal. Chicks before dicks, bros before hoes! Okay, you get the picture. From my experience, no one is worth losing a friend over. Capiche?

So think about the consequences before you give into temptation… unless you’re like me and live in the moment. Either way, it’s bound to be an interesting ride!

Ciao for now!