Ex’s are ex’s for a reason

getting-back-with-ex-meme1You know what kills me? When someone starts dating their ex again. Now I’m all about recycling because it’s good for the environment but recycling significant others is a big no-no in my book. I usually live by the rule ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try again‘ but not when it comes to ex’s. If you’re the one that was broken up with, I’m sure you’re absolutely devastated and have mascara permanently stained into your face from crying so much. So if your ex says he’s ready for a second go-around, you’re more than likely going to jump right back in without thinking. Big mistake, hunny child. Would you jump off a cliff without thinking about it first? Probably not. So here are the top ten reasons why you should never date you ex again:

1. You clearly broke up for a reason. Usually those reasons are pretty legit [like cheating, constant arguing, crabs]. If the reason was a deal breaker then, it’ll be a deal breaker in a few months, too.

2. Change is a good thing. Why keep repeating the same shit over and over again? Change is refreshing. Sure, being single again can suck but think of all the fun you can have!

3. You can’t undo the past. It’s unnecessary baggage. All the bullshit that you two have fought about before will rear it’s ugly head again. I promise.

4. It’s a rollar coaster ride. Don’t get me wrong… I love roller roasters but not when it comes to my love life. Who has time to worry about if you and your boo will be still be together in two weeks when you’ve already RSVP’d to your friend’s wedding? Not me.

5. You get to bone other people! A lot of girls out there worry about the fact that they will most likely end up sleeping with someone new so their ‘number‘ will be higher. OMG! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! Who cares? Shut up and go get laid. Enjoy yourself.

6. If he left you for another girl, he thought he could do better. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t think you were the bomb.com? Because you are. Forget that loser!

7. It’s immature and indecisive. Now coming from someone who has serious commitment issues and cannot make any decision without having a mild panic attack, I’m sure this doesn’t mean a lot.  But seriously… make your decision and stick to you.

8. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Homeboy that just broke your heart is one of a million other homeboy’s and he’s clearly not the one for you [or you wouldn’t have broken up in the first place]. Go get your pole and go fishing. Hope you catch a big one!

9. It’s like reading the same book over and over again. You already know how the ending is [and it’s usually sucks]. Go find a new book. You won’t regret it.

10. It’s the worst idea ever. Seriously. I’d rather step in front of a moving train than date any of my ex’s ever again. Okay, some of them weren’t THAT bad so I’m being a little dramatic but you get the idea… Don’t do it.

Just a little food for thought… Ciao for now!!

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The Disappearing Act

magician-poof-disappearing-actI have a girlfriend [she’s a total babe for all you single fellas out there] who recently moved to DC and naturally entered into the dating scene. She’s three weeks in and she’s already caught onto what I like to call ‘The Disappearing Act‘.

This is when someone you have been talking to, sleeping with, playing tonsil hockey with, or doing whatever two single people do with each other just ups and disappears. No explanation. Just poof! Like magic! One minute you’re all hot and heavy and the next… silence. Get the picture? Okay, good.

Now I can’t speak for other places since I’ve only tried the dating scene in this fine city, but I feel like this happens on the reg. The first time it happened to me, my feelings were definitely hurt [yes, I do have feelings… sometimes]. After crying into my cheerios, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was naive and didn’t know how dating actually worked outside of college but it still didn’t seem right to me. But my momma always told me ‘If at first you don’t succeed, you can dust it off and try again‘… wait. No. Aaliyah told me that [sorry, ma!].

So following Aaliyah’s advice, I tried again. Now after the third disappearing act I was just plain mad. How dare he not give me an explanation?! Who does he think he is?! I’ll show him what he’s missing! Eventually I got used to it and here I am two years later, still alive and kicking and still meeting a bunch of magicians. It wasn’t until I finally “disappeared” on someone that I totally understood the reasoning behind it.

Yes, folks, I’ve become a magician myself [but only during emergency situations… obviously]. Yes, I totally get that we are all adults and if we don’t like someone we can at least have the decency to tell them after we’ve gone out a few times. But why? What’s the point? Do you owe me anything? Do I owe YOU anything? Unless we’ve confessed our undying love for each other and I have a ring on my finger, absolutely not. If I’m really not feeling it with homeboy that I met at the bar on Friday night, I really don’t feel like taking the time to tell him the sparks are missing. Disappearing is easy and I feel like this generation loves easy things. Besides, one of the few times I have tried explaining that I just wasn’t into someone, he just couldn’t grasp the concept of ‘I’m just not that into you‘ so don’t think I haven’t tried!

Part of me is a little sad that I’ve become so tolerant to this kind of thing, and even more disappointed that I have done this to someone because I don’t enjoy being an asshole [but shit happens]. But the other part of me is totally fine with it. Okay, so Joe Shmoe doesn’t like me? Big deal. Am I going to lose sleep over it? Absolutely not. Sure, I may be annoyed when my newfound stud muffin doesn’t answer when I casually ask if he wants to grab a drink but guess what? For every one dude that turns me down, there’s two more waiting to ask me out [I’m sure Cosmo probably did a study on it or something].

So for all of you that have experienced something like this, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Brush it off and get on Tinder. I guarantee you’ll find someone who wants to talk to you on there.

Ciao for now lovelies!

Girl Code

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When it comes to you and your favorite gal pals, there are some unwritten rules that you should always abide to. Now you’ll usually hear me say rules are meant to be broken [I’m such a rebel!] but not when it comes to Girl Code. If you or girlfriend(s) break any of the following codes, you may want to reevaluate your friendship. So here we go…. Girl codes [according to me]:

1. Chicks before dicks. All day, err day! Sure, guys are great [sometimes] and we all love the attention we get from them but your girls should always come first. Afterall, guys are there to have fun with but your girls are your soulmates.

2. Ex-boyfriends/crushes/FWB/current BF’s are 100% off limits. Don’t even go there. Don’t even entertain the idea. I don’t care if your BFF’s crush is hotter than Channing Tatum [impossible!]  Don’t do it.

3. Don’t cock block. We are all adults here. If Betty Sue wants to go home with Charlie from Cha-Chas, let her, except if he is your crush [refer to #2] or if she may contract herpes. That shit is for life! Suggest using protection in a non-judgemental way.

4. Always be the shoulder to cry on. When your sidekick gets her heartbroken, it is your duty as a female companion to supply tissues, wine, and an open ear. Even if you don’t have any good advice, sometimes just listening to her rant over how awful that guy is helps. Just remember to wear dark colors when offering your shoulder to her… mascara is really hard to wash out.

5. Girls night out. When she’s done crying [refer to #4] dust off those fuck me pumps and go paint the town red. Nothing like a good booty shaking sesh to cure a broken heart. Seriously though… girls night is one of the best inventions ever!

6. Keep her secrets to yourself. I don’t care what any girl says, we all gossip. Don’t be ashamed of it but know when to shut up. We all know what can and cannot be repeated. Don’t start drama! Don’t be that girl.

7. When she looks good, tell her [and vice versa]. Even if you’re the most confident girl in the room, knowing someone thinks you look great feels great. But if she doesn’t look her best, give her honest but loving advice [those jeans are alriiiiight but maybe try that black skirt]. You should always want your girl to look and feel her best!

8. Always be each other’s lesbian lover when the creep at the bar won’t get a clue… that’s not the only option on dealing with unwanted male attention but you get the picture. Don’t leave her hanging.

9. Be a good wingwoman [if necessary]. Even if your gal pal is chatting up with the hottest guy around and he is friend is a total grenade, take one for the team. I bet she’d do it for you!

10. Always be her #1 fan. No matter what. If you have her back, she will have yours [hopefully]. You may not always agree on everything but that doesn’t mean you can’t support her. Sure, we don’t always make the best life decision [no one is perfect… except for Beyonce] but knowing your girls have your back makes life easier.

11. Don’t let anyone mess with your clique. When shit hits the fan, rally together and kick ass [not literally… not trying to get arrested]. Ride together, die together!

12. If you know for a fact that her BF is being shady, tell her. She may not believe you but in the long run, it’s worth it.

13. Be sincere and genuine.. If you can’t be yourself around your girls, then there’s a serious issue. No one likes fake people.

14. Every big moment in your girl’s life should be celebrated. Birthdays, promotions, first bikini waxing [haha just kidding… but seriously]. It doesn’t matter what it is. Dancing? Check! Wine? Check! Balloons? Why not?!

15. If she’s hammered and looks like she needs help, help her [this applies to strangers, too]. There’s no excuse for not doing the right thing. Be a good samaritan. Help a sista out.

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30 Pinky Promises to my Best Friend

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  1. You are my better half and I feel like part of me is missing when we argue [so you better not start with me!]
  2. I will never let you leave the house looking like a hot mess [unless we’re both hungover from the night before].
  3. Thank you for listening to my cry over that boy [oh, and that other boy, too].
  4. I promise to never steal the covers when we have a sleepover [but I can’t promise I won’t accidently push you out of bed]
  5. Thank you for not letting me make a mistake with a rebound because I was heartbroken [what was I thinking?!].
  6. I promise to always hold your hair back when you’ve had too much to drink.
  7. I promise to always be your professional text message analyzer. Thank goodness for screenshots! [No…. only three exclamation points!!! OMG did she really just say that?]
  8. Thank you for always holding my hair back when I can’t seem to get my shit together.
  9. Thank you for not judging me when I get white girl wasted.
  10. Thank you for always taking my earrings out.
  11. Even if I’ve never met her, I will come up with reasons why the girl you don’t like it just the worst.
  12. I secretly enjoy every time you text me pictures of your outfits to get my stamp of approval.
  13. I promise to always tell you when they’re ugly.
  14. I will always dance the night away with you until we can no longer wear our heals [and then I promise to walk around bare foot with you].
  15. I promise to always provide booze and tissues when a boy breaks your heart.
  16. You’re going to be my bridesmaid [if I ever take that plunge] and I better be yours [but only if you-know-who is my date… obviously]
  17. I will always like every Facebook or Instagram post of yours. [Do I understand it? Does that really even matter?]
  18. I will always bail you out of jail [but let’s be honest… I’ll probably be in jail with you].
  19. I promise to boycott City Dogs until the end of time [or until you decide you don’t want to anymore].
  20. I promise to rescue you from awkward situations.
  21. Whenever you feel like crying, call me. I can’t promise to make you laugh [I will try my hardest] but I’ll always cry with you.
  22. I promise to always dance to ‘Single Ladies’ with you even when we’re married with kids [our hubbies will just have to deal with it]
  23. I promise to stand guard when you feel like peeing in a parking garage.
  24. I promise to always tell you the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.
  25. You’re my sister from another mister, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
  26. I promise to laugh at every one of your jokes, even when no one else gets it.
  27. Thank you for always understanding me, even when I don’t understand myself sometimes.
  28. Thank you for putting up with me when I’m being difficult [and let’s be real… it’s not always easy]
  29. I promise not to always agree with you but to tell you what you need to hear, regardless if you want to hear it or not.
  30. I will always be your best friend. For better or worse. You’re stuck with me. Pinky promise.