FRIEND ZONE

friendzoneThe friend zone. The dreaded place that all dudes hope they never end up in and only the select few can escape from. Sorry, fellas. It does exist. I know, I know. Being in the friend zone can be worse than being kicked in the gonads by a football player wearing muddy cleats but toughen up buttercup. Stop asking yourself ‘why do bad things happen to good people?!’ or ‘why am I not good enough?!‘. Go drown away your sorrows away at Whitlow’s Mug Night. It’s nothing that cheap beer can’t fix! Girls invented [and perfected] the friend zone so stop trying to figure out how to avoid it. You won’t win. If you find that you have been banished to the FZ, there are some rules you need to remember and respect.

You will not see us naked. Stop dreaming that one day we will become so intoxicated we forget that we don’t have feelings for you and take our clothes off. You may get a nip slip here and there if we get white girl wasted in front of you on the reg but don’t get your hopes up. On that note, we trust you enough to get white girl wasted in front of you. Don’t break that trust by taking advantage of our drunken state.

Stop trying to escape from the friend zone. You have a better chance of solving the Riemann hypothesis while hoola-hooping naked. Just accept it. We will come to you if we come to the realization that we are madly in love with you.

Don’t confess your love for us after partaking in said Mug Night. We don’t want to hear it and you’ll regret it in the morning. It’s a lose, lose situation.

Do not get butt hurt when we date [or hook up] with other dudes. You’re not our boyfriend. Either accept the fact that homegirl is getting it in with the 6’4, slightly bearded stud muffin or peace out, girl scout!

Don’t mistake us inviting you to our crib to watch a movie as an invitation into our pants [or hearts]. We simply want to watch a movie and preferably not alone. We’re comfortable enough with you to veg on the couch while stuffing our face with popcorn but not comfortable enough to spoon and feel your chubbie on our lower back.

You’re not NOT good enough [double negative… ugh. I know!]. Stop putting yourself down. It’s a big turn off if a guy isn’t confident. We think you’re great [hence why we want to be friends]. We just can’t imagine being naked with you. Don’t take it personally.

If we introduce you to our girlfriends as our friend, we mean it. Take it as a compliment that we want our besties to meet you but don’t think it’s because we are secretly having them analyze you to see if you’re dating material. We’ve most likely already briefed our clique on that fact that the relationship is strictly platonic.

It’s pretty simple, actually. If a girl wants you in the friend zone, that’s where you’ll be. There’s nothing you can do about it. Either accept it or move on. Girls are stubborn creatures [if you haven’t already figured this out] and if we want you to be more than a friend, it’ll happen, if we don’t, it won’t. Don’t hound us on why we can’t take our friendship to the next level [because there isn’t one]. Now don’t misconstrue my words… I am in no way, shape, or form giving girls permission to treat you like garbage and take advantage of you [and if a girl is, drop her like a hot potato!]. If being in the friend zone is making you miserable, there are two things you can do… completely check out of the situation or take a risk and confess your feelings to her [while sober]. The choice is yours. Hopefully it works out in your favor but don’t put all your eggs in one basket!

Just a friendly tip: Play hard to get once in a while. Don’t be at our beck and call every single second, of every single day. We know you’re infatuated with us and we will take advantage of it [some women can be such bitches!]. We might actually realize you mean more to us than expected if you don’t make yourself so available.

Good luck! Ciao for now doods!

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Why Being Single Is AWESOME

singleSomeone asked me the other day why I was single…. [insert cricket noises here].

Because I fucking WANT to be single, that’s why! Is it that hard to believe that someone actually prefers to be single? Or maybe some people think there’s something terribly wrong with anyone that’s single for an extended period of time? I don’t know but come on. And no, it’s not because I haven’t met anyone thank you very much. Yes, I know I’m fabulous and a great catch [and whoever I end up dating in the future will be a lucky dude… obviously] but right now, I love being single and here are  few reasons why.

  1.  Flirting. Does this even NEED an explanation? Flirting is fun! Try it!
  2. I get the WHOLE bed to myself… unless I feel like sharing [or I’m too drunk to notice]. Seriously though. I don’t get much time to sleep so when I do, I want to be comfortable and if I feel like sleeping diagonally across my amazing pillow top mattress, I’ll be damned if someone prevents me from doing so!
  3. My wallet is a lot thicker. Having a significant other is SO expensive. Don’t even get me started on the holidays…. Now I can spend money on the important things [like myself and my closet].
  4. Sexual smorgasbord. I have the rest of my life to have boring sex with the same person over and over again so why start now?
  5. I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting a girls night. Wait… scratch that. No boyfriend should EVER make their woman feel guilty about that [and if he does, dump his ass!]. Girls night is good for the soul [and so is guys night for that matter]. Plus, no one wants to be that annoying girl that’s texting her man then entire night [don’t be that girl!].
  6. I can focus on bettering myself. That way whenever I do decide to settle down, that lucky guy will get the BEST version of me.
  7.  I don’t have to impress anyone… or meet the parents!! Don’t get me wrong, parents LOVE me but that is so stressful! Aiint nobody got time for dat!
  8. SO MUCH FREE TIME! Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration. I don’t have that much free time but the time I do have, I can spend doing things I want to do [like blogging about why being single is awesome!]
  9.  I can binge watch trashy TV like Lock Up on MSNBC or Say Yes to the Dress and no one will judge me [except for my roommates]. On second hand… I don’t even have to share the remote [except with my roommates].
  10. I can be friends with whoever I want. We all know that at some point, we’ve had a significant other who didn’t like a friend of ours [and vice versa] and it causes a strain on both relationships. At some point, you’re forced to pick between the two… No thanks.
  11. I can stay in on a Friday and not feel guilty. No commitments? No problem!
  12. If I want to go out dancing, I can dance with any rando at the bar without my boyf getting butt hurt about it. Your boyfriend doesn’t like to dance and doesn’t want you to dance either? Have fun watching me break out my Beyoncé moves on the dance floor while you stand on the sidelines. #sorryNOTsorry
  13. I don’t have to ‘check in’ with anyone. If I want to go off the grid for a day or two, I can. Not coming home tonight? No problem! Nothing is more annoying than someone constantly texting or calling asking me what I’m doing or where I am. Just let me live my liiiiiife!
  14. I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s schedule besides my own. It’s hard enough keeping track of my own activities [thank god for Google calendar!]. I really don’t have time to worry about scheduling things around someone else’s plans, too. Just the thought of that is exhausting!
  15. I can do whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want to do it. The world is my oyster! Spontaneous road trips? Let’s do it! Let’s go somewhere… anywhere!

Being independent is an awesome feeling. I’m pretty sure Destiny’s Child said it best….

All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin’ money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Ciao for now betches!