As most of you know, I’m a single gal who has dabbled in the dating world over the past few years. My first date experiences have ranged from something out of a movie, mediocre, to a complete disaster… but there’s always a good story to tell my friends afterwards. I have definitely learned a few things, the do’s and don’ts, if you will, of dating. Please do not take my suggestions as being the answer to all your problems [I’m not a damn magician] but hey, stranger things have happened.

Rule #1. Get enough sleep because dating EXHAUSTING. Not only do you have to worry about whether your hair looks good or your makeup isn’t running off your face [this heat and humidity is going to be the death of me], but you also have to worry about whether the stud muffin you’re meeting at the bar is going to like you [and if you say you don’t care what other people think, you’re a big, fat liar] or not. I bet dating would be so much easier if I were Beyoncé because, let’s be real here, who the eff doesn’t like Beyoncé [and if you don’t, GTFO!]. Her hair and makeup always look fabulous regardless of the temperature outside… Why was I not born as Beyoncé [thanks a lot, mom!]?!

Ok, I’m done feeling sorry for myself for the time being… Where was I?

I never used to get nervous about first dates. Never ever ever.  A few years ago, I was totally blasé [I sound so fancy!] about first dates… just about to meet with a prospective soul-mate, no big deal. No pressure whatsoever. But now? OH MY GOD. You would think the world was coming to an end [I’m not dramatic at all… obviously]. I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR? I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR [as my closet door won’t even close because the mass quantities of fabric spilling out of it]! Oh, and don’t let me forget to mention that one time I left all my makeup at the office… and didn’t realize it until after I had rid my face of my day-time war paint [always want a fresh face, you know!]. Talk about a crisis… thank goodness there is a CVS on every corner. By the time I was dressed and had purchased new make-up [which I applied in my car five minutes after I was supposed to meet him], I was ready for a nap. I literally felt like I had just ran a half-marathon [not a full one because that’s just unrealistic]. So as I said, be well rested. You don’t want to be falling asleep in your beer.

Rule #2. Pick a meeting spot that is easily accessible, in public, and won’t be so congested you can’t even hear yourself think. Generally, picking a bar that is so loud you can’t hear your own thoughts isn’t a good idea since you’re supposed to converse with the babe sitting across from you [unless just staring at each other is your cup of tea]. Of course there are other meeting spots besides a casual bar but I definitely suggest you avoid meeting in movie theaters, deserted parking lots, cemeteries, or your mother’s house.

Rule #3. Engage each other in conversation. Don’t just talk about yourself. I’m sure your life is absolutely fascinating but so is mine. Ask questions, discover what you have in common [if anything], get to know each other.  I’d rather talk to a cat all night than listen to you brag about your awesome life and I don’t even like cats.

Rule #4. Do not, under any circumstances, talk about your ex. This should be self-explanatory.

Rule #5. Limit your phone use. Back in the day, I would say don’t even take your phone out but nowadays, I don’t think that’s realistic [I mean, how else am I supposed to Google the answers to the trivia questions?]. That being said, texting and phone calls are 100% off limits. Oh, I’m sorry… am I boring you? Yes, please, text your friend because it must be soooo important. I’m going home now!

But what about the ‘rules’ I haven’t figured out yet? For example, do you kiss on the first date? If he doesn’t kiss you, does that mean he wasn’t digging you? Should you text your date immediately after you leave to let them know you had an awesome time? Do you wait 24 hours? What if they don’t text you at all? Is that a bad sign [I thought it went so well!]? That what-if’s are exhausting… and now I need another nap.

Ciao for now!