Movie Dates

movie-dateWhat is it with movie dates? Are we still in middle school? Sure, going to the movies with the cutie from math class was great when you were 14 and your parents dropped you off in their sweet minivan. My very first date was a movie date with my middle school boyfriend, Joel [hi!] and I’m pretty sure his dad sat a few rows in front of us [talk about romantic!]. At the time, it was the most exciting thing EVER! OMG… the cutest boy in the school wants to sit next to me for an extended period of time without talking?! Winning! I couldn’t even tell you what movie we saw because I was so nervous, I couldn’t think straight.

Once you’ve gone through puberty, however, movie dates are great if you’re with your girlfriends or if you’re in a well established relationship. The last thing I really want to do is sit in the dark with some stranger I barely know who keeps trying to hold my hand [thanks, but I think I’ll pass]. Don’t get me wrong, hand holding can be kind of sweet and innocent [unless you have sweaty palms] which can be a nice change from homeboy trying to get to home base within the first five minutes [Strike! You’re outta here!]. And what’s with guys putting their arm around a girl? Unless you’re significantly taller than I am, it’s quite uncomfortable and I know what you’re up to. Either you’re trying to cop a feel [not gonna happen] or trying to be suave and kiss me [also not gonna happen unless we’re 14 and making out in the back row]. But the only type of kiss you’re going to get is a Hershey kiss from the snack counter [sorry, bud].

Maybe I’m just hard to please [shocker!] but isn’t the point of going on dates to get to know each other? The only thing I get to know about you on a movie date is how much of a mouth breather you are [no bueno]. Personally, the only time a movie date is acceptable early on in the dating game, is when it’s a pity date. Harsh, I know, but I guarantee I’m not the only girl that’s done that. The plus side of a pity movie date is you don’t really have to talk at all [let alone look at each other] and it most likely made Joe-Schmoe’s day that much better [consider it a random act of kindness]. Hopefully the movie is entertaining enough where you can ignore the loud mouth breathing or the smell of stale popcorn.

What does a girl have to do to find a man who wants to have a fun date around here? Jeez!

Ciao for now!

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FRIEND ZONE

friendzoneThe friend zone. The dreaded place that all dudes hope they never end up in and only the select few can escape from. Sorry, fellas. It does exist. I know, I know. Being in the friend zone can be worse than being kicked in the gonads by a football player wearing muddy cleats but toughen up buttercup. Stop asking yourself ‘why do bad things happen to good people?!’ or ‘why am I not good enough?!‘. Go drown away your sorrows away at Whitlow’s Mug Night. It’s nothing that cheap beer can’t fix! Girls invented [and perfected] the friend zone so stop trying to figure out how to avoid it. You won’t win. If you find that you have been banished to the FZ, there are some rules you need to remember and respect.

You will not see us naked. Stop dreaming that one day we will become so intoxicated we forget that we don’t have feelings for you and take our clothes off. You may get a nip slip here and there if we get white girl wasted in front of you on the reg but don’t get your hopes up. On that note, we trust you enough to get white girl wasted in front of you. Don’t break that trust by taking advantage of our drunken state.

Stop trying to escape from the friend zone. You have a better chance of solving the Riemann hypothesis while hoola-hooping naked. Just accept it. We will come to you if we come to the realization that we are madly in love with you.

Don’t confess your love for us after partaking in said Mug Night. We don’t want to hear it and you’ll regret it in the morning. It’s a lose, lose situation.

Do not get butt hurt when we date [or hook up] with other dudes. You’re not our boyfriend. Either accept the fact that homegirl is getting it in with the 6’4, slightly bearded stud muffin or peace out, girl scout!

Don’t mistake us inviting you to our crib to watch a movie as an invitation into our pants [or hearts]. We simply want to watch a movie and preferably not alone. We’re comfortable enough with you to veg on the couch while stuffing our face with popcorn but not comfortable enough to spoon and feel your chubbie on our lower back.

You’re not NOT good enough [double negative… ugh. I know!]. Stop putting yourself down. It’s a big turn off if a guy isn’t confident. We think you’re great [hence why we want to be friends]. We just can’t imagine being naked with you. Don’t take it personally.

If we introduce you to our girlfriends as our friend, we mean it. Take it as a compliment that we want our besties to meet you but don’t think it’s because we are secretly having them analyze you to see if you’re dating material. We’ve most likely already briefed our clique on that fact that the relationship is strictly platonic.

It’s pretty simple, actually. If a girl wants you in the friend zone, that’s where you’ll be. There’s nothing you can do about it. Either accept it or move on. Girls are stubborn creatures [if you haven’t already figured this out] and if we want you to be more than a friend, it’ll happen, if we don’t, it won’t. Don’t hound us on why we can’t take our friendship to the next level [because there isn’t one]. Now don’t misconstrue my words… I am in no way, shape, or form giving girls permission to treat you like garbage and take advantage of you [and if a girl is, drop her like a hot potato!]. If being in the friend zone is making you miserable, there are two things you can do… completely check out of the situation or take a risk and confess your feelings to her [while sober]. The choice is yours. Hopefully it works out in your favor but don’t put all your eggs in one basket!

Just a friendly tip: Play hard to get once in a while. Don’t be at our beck and call every single second, of every single day. We know you’re infatuated with us and we will take advantage of it [some women can be such bitches!]. We might actually realize you mean more to us than expected if you don’t make yourself so available.

Good luck! Ciao for now doods!

Why Being Single Is AWESOME

singleSomeone asked me the other day why I was single…. [insert cricket noises here].

Because I fucking WANT to be single, that’s why! Is it that hard to believe that someone actually prefers to be single? Or maybe some people think there’s something terribly wrong with anyone that’s single for an extended period of time? I don’t know but come on. And no, it’s not because I haven’t met anyone thank you very much. Yes, I know I’m fabulous and a great catch [and whoever I end up dating in the future will be a lucky dude… obviously] but right now, I love being single and here are  few reasons why.

  1.  Flirting. Does this even NEED an explanation? Flirting is fun! Try it!
  2. I get the WHOLE bed to myself… unless I feel like sharing [or I’m too drunk to notice]. Seriously though. I don’t get much time to sleep so when I do, I want to be comfortable and if I feel like sleeping diagonally across my amazing pillow top mattress, I’ll be damned if someone prevents me from doing so!
  3. My wallet is a lot thicker. Having a significant other is SO expensive. Don’t even get me started on the holidays…. Now I can spend money on the important things [like myself and my closet].
  4. Sexual smorgasbord. I have the rest of my life to have boring sex with the same person over and over again so why start now?
  5. I don’t have to feel guilty about wanting a girls night. Wait… scratch that. No boyfriend should EVER make their woman feel guilty about that [and if he does, dump his ass!]. Girls night is good for the soul [and so is guys night for that matter]. Plus, no one wants to be that annoying girl that’s texting her man then entire night [don’t be that girl!].
  6. I can focus on bettering myself. That way whenever I do decide to settle down, that lucky guy will get the BEST version of me.
  7.  I don’t have to impress anyone… or meet the parents!! Don’t get me wrong, parents LOVE me but that is so stressful! Aiint nobody got time for dat!
  8. SO MUCH FREE TIME! Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration. I don’t have that much free time but the time I do have, I can spend doing things I want to do [like blogging about why being single is awesome!]
  9.  I can binge watch trashy TV like Lock Up on MSNBC or Say Yes to the Dress and no one will judge me [except for my roommates]. On second hand… I don’t even have to share the remote [except with my roommates].
  10. I can be friends with whoever I want. We all know that at some point, we’ve had a significant other who didn’t like a friend of ours [and vice versa] and it causes a strain on both relationships. At some point, you’re forced to pick between the two… No thanks.
  11. I can stay in on a Friday and not feel guilty. No commitments? No problem!
  12. If I want to go out dancing, I can dance with any rando at the bar without my boyf getting butt hurt about it. Your boyfriend doesn’t like to dance and doesn’t want you to dance either? Have fun watching me break out my Beyoncé moves on the dance floor while you stand on the sidelines. #sorryNOTsorry
  13. I don’t have to ‘check in’ with anyone. If I want to go off the grid for a day or two, I can. Not coming home tonight? No problem! Nothing is more annoying than someone constantly texting or calling asking me what I’m doing or where I am. Just let me live my liiiiiife!
  14. I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s schedule besides my own. It’s hard enough keeping track of my own activities [thank god for Google calendar!]. I really don’t have time to worry about scheduling things around someone else’s plans, too. Just the thought of that is exhausting!
  15. I can do whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want to do it. The world is my oyster! Spontaneous road trips? Let’s do it! Let’s go somewhere… anywhere!

Being independent is an awesome feeling. I’m pretty sure Destiny’s Child said it best….

All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin’ money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Ciao for now betches!

Ex’s are ex’s for a reason

getting-back-with-ex-meme1You know what kills me? When someone starts dating their ex again. Now I’m all about recycling because it’s good for the environment but recycling significant others is a big no-no in my book. I usually live by the rule ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try again‘ but not when it comes to ex’s. If you’re the one that was broken up with, I’m sure you’re absolutely devastated and have mascara permanently stained into your face from crying so much. So if your ex says he’s ready for a second go-around, you’re more than likely going to jump right back in without thinking. Big mistake, hunny child. Would you jump off a cliff without thinking about it first? Probably not. So here are the top ten reasons why you should never date you ex again:

1. You clearly broke up for a reason. Usually those reasons are pretty legit [like cheating, constant arguing, crabs]. If the reason was a deal breaker then, it’ll be a deal breaker in a few months, too.

2. Change is a good thing. Why keep repeating the same shit over and over again? Change is refreshing. Sure, being single again can suck but think of all the fun you can have!

3. You can’t undo the past. It’s unnecessary baggage. All the bullshit that you two have fought about before will rear it’s ugly head again. I promise.

4. It’s a rollar coaster ride. Don’t get me wrong… I love roller roasters but not when it comes to my love life. Who has time to worry about if you and your boo will be still be together in two weeks when you’ve already RSVP’d to your friend’s wedding? Not me.

5. You get to bone other people! A lot of girls out there worry about the fact that they will most likely end up sleeping with someone new so their ‘number‘ will be higher. OMG! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! Who cares? Shut up and go get laid. Enjoy yourself.

6. If he left you for another girl, he thought he could do better. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t think you were the bomb.com? Because you are. Forget that loser!

7. It’s immature and indecisive. Now coming from someone who has serious commitment issues and cannot make any decision without having a mild panic attack, I’m sure this doesn’t mean a lot.  But seriously… make your decision and stick to you.

8. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Homeboy that just broke your heart is one of a million other homeboy’s and he’s clearly not the one for you [or you wouldn’t have broken up in the first place]. Go get your pole and go fishing. Hope you catch a big one!

9. It’s like reading the same book over and over again. You already know how the ending is [and it’s usually sucks]. Go find a new book. You won’t regret it.

10. It’s the worst idea ever. Seriously. I’d rather step in front of a moving train than date any of my ex’s ever again. Okay, some of them weren’t THAT bad so I’m being a little dramatic but you get the idea… Don’t do it.

Just a little food for thought… Ciao for now!!

The Disappearing Act

magician-poof-disappearing-actI have a girlfriend [she’s a total babe for all you single fellas out there] who recently moved to DC and naturally entered into the dating scene. She’s three weeks in and she’s already caught onto what I like to call ‘The Disappearing Act‘.

This is when someone you have been talking to, sleeping with, playing tonsil hockey with, or doing whatever two single people do with each other just ups and disappears. No explanation. Just poof! Like magic! One minute you’re all hot and heavy and the next… silence. Get the picture? Okay, good.

Now I can’t speak for other places since I’ve only tried the dating scene in this fine city, but I feel like this happens on the reg. The first time it happened to me, my feelings were definitely hurt [yes, I do have feelings… sometimes]. After crying into my cheerios, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was naive and didn’t know how dating actually worked outside of college but it still didn’t seem right to me. But my momma always told me ‘If at first you don’t succeed, you can dust it off and try again‘… wait. No. Aaliyah told me that [sorry, ma!].

So following Aaliyah’s advice, I tried again. Now after the third disappearing act I was just plain mad. How dare he not give me an explanation?! Who does he think he is?! I’ll show him what he’s missing! Eventually I got used to it and here I am two years later, still alive and kicking and still meeting a bunch of magicians. It wasn’t until I finally “disappeared” on someone that I totally understood the reasoning behind it.

Yes, folks, I’ve become a magician myself [but only during emergency situations… obviously]. Yes, I totally get that we are all adults and if we don’t like someone we can at least have the decency to tell them after we’ve gone out a few times. But why? What’s the point? Do you owe me anything? Do I owe YOU anything? Unless we’ve confessed our undying love for each other and I have a ring on my finger, absolutely not. If I’m really not feeling it with homeboy that I met at the bar on Friday night, I really don’t feel like taking the time to tell him the sparks are missing. Disappearing is easy and I feel like this generation loves easy things. Besides, one of the few times I have tried explaining that I just wasn’t into someone, he just couldn’t grasp the concept of ‘I’m just not that into you‘ so don’t think I haven’t tried!

Part of me is a little sad that I’ve become so tolerant to this kind of thing, and even more disappointed that I have done this to someone because I don’t enjoy being an asshole [but shit happens]. But the other part of me is totally fine with it. Okay, so Joe Shmoe doesn’t like me? Big deal. Am I going to lose sleep over it? Absolutely not. Sure, I may be annoyed when my newfound stud muffin doesn’t answer when I casually ask if he wants to grab a drink but guess what? For every one dude that turns me down, there’s two more waiting to ask me out [I’m sure Cosmo probably did a study on it or something].

So for all of you that have experienced something like this, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Brush it off and get on Tinder. I guarantee you’ll find someone who wants to talk to you on there.

Ciao for now lovelies!

Girl Code

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When it comes to you and your favorite gal pals, there are some unwritten rules that you should always abide to. Now you’ll usually hear me say rules are meant to be broken [I’m such a rebel!] but not when it comes to Girl Code. If you or girlfriend(s) break any of the following codes, you may want to reevaluate your friendship. So here we go…. Girl codes [according to me]:

1. Chicks before dicks. All day, err day! Sure, guys are great [sometimes] and we all love the attention we get from them but your girls should always come first. Afterall, guys are there to have fun with but your girls are your soulmates.

2. Ex-boyfriends/crushes/FWB/current BF’s are 100% off limits. Don’t even go there. Don’t even entertain the idea. I don’t care if your BFF’s crush is hotter than Channing Tatum [impossible!]  Don’t do it.

3. Don’t cock block. We are all adults here. If Betty Sue wants to go home with Charlie from Cha-Chas, let her, except if he is your crush [refer to #2] or if she may contract herpes. That shit is for life! Suggest using protection in a non-judgemental way.

4. Always be the shoulder to cry on. When your sidekick gets her heartbroken, it is your duty as a female companion to supply tissues, wine, and an open ear. Even if you don’t have any good advice, sometimes just listening to her rant over how awful that guy is helps. Just remember to wear dark colors when offering your shoulder to her… mascara is really hard to wash out.

5. Girls night out. When she’s done crying [refer to #4] dust off those fuck me pumps and go paint the town red. Nothing like a good booty shaking sesh to cure a broken heart. Seriously though… girls night is one of the best inventions ever!

6. Keep her secrets to yourself. I don’t care what any girl says, we all gossip. Don’t be ashamed of it but know when to shut up. We all know what can and cannot be repeated. Don’t start drama! Don’t be that girl.

7. When she looks good, tell her [and vice versa]. Even if you’re the most confident girl in the room, knowing someone thinks you look great feels great. But if she doesn’t look her best, give her honest but loving advice [those jeans are alriiiiight but maybe try that black skirt]. You should always want your girl to look and feel her best!

8. Always be each other’s lesbian lover when the creep at the bar won’t get a clue… that’s not the only option on dealing with unwanted male attention but you get the picture. Don’t leave her hanging.

9. Be a good wingwoman [if necessary]. Even if your gal pal is chatting up with the hottest guy around and he is friend is a total grenade, take one for the team. I bet she’d do it for you!

10. Always be her #1 fan. No matter what. If you have her back, she will have yours [hopefully]. You may not always agree on everything but that doesn’t mean you can’t support her. Sure, we don’t always make the best life decision [no one is perfect… except for Beyonce] but knowing your girls have your back makes life easier.

11. Don’t let anyone mess with your clique. When shit hits the fan, rally together and kick ass [not literally… not trying to get arrested]. Ride together, die together!

12. If you know for a fact that her BF is being shady, tell her. She may not believe you but in the long run, it’s worth it.

13. Be sincere and genuine.. If you can’t be yourself around your girls, then there’s a serious issue. No one likes fake people.

14. Every big moment in your girl’s life should be celebrated. Birthdays, promotions, first bikini waxing [haha just kidding… but seriously]. It doesn’t matter what it is. Dancing? Check! Wine? Check! Balloons? Why not?!

15. If she’s hammered and looks like she needs help, help her [this applies to strangers, too]. There’s no excuse for not doing the right thing. Be a good samaritan. Help a sista out.

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30 Pinky Promises to my Best Friend

bff

  1. You are my better half and I feel like part of me is missing when we argue [so you better not start with me!]
  2. I will never let you leave the house looking like a hot mess [unless we’re both hungover from the night before].
  3. Thank you for listening to my cry over that boy [oh, and that other boy, too].
  4. I promise to never steal the covers when we have a sleepover [but I can’t promise I won’t accidently push you out of bed]
  5. Thank you for not letting me make a mistake with a rebound because I was heartbroken [what was I thinking?!].
  6. I promise to always hold your hair back when you’ve had too much to drink.
  7. I promise to always be your professional text message analyzer. Thank goodness for screenshots! [No…. only three exclamation points!!! OMG did she really just say that?]
  8. Thank you for always holding my hair back when I can’t seem to get my shit together.
  9. Thank you for not judging me when I get white girl wasted.
  10. Thank you for always taking my earrings out.
  11. Even if I’ve never met her, I will come up with reasons why the girl you don’t like it just the worst.
  12. I secretly enjoy every time you text me pictures of your outfits to get my stamp of approval.
  13. I promise to always tell you when they’re ugly.
  14. I will always dance the night away with you until we can no longer wear our heals [and then I promise to walk around bare foot with you].
  15. I promise to always provide booze and tissues when a boy breaks your heart.
  16. You’re going to be my bridesmaid [if I ever take that plunge] and I better be yours [but only if you-know-who is my date… obviously]
  17. I will always like every Facebook or Instagram post of yours. [Do I understand it? Does that really even matter?]
  18. I will always bail you out of jail [but let’s be honest… I’ll probably be in jail with you].
  19. I promise to boycott City Dogs until the end of time [or until you decide you don’t want to anymore].
  20. I promise to rescue you from awkward situations.
  21. Whenever you feel like crying, call me. I can’t promise to make you laugh [I will try my hardest] but I’ll always cry with you.
  22. I promise to always dance to ‘Single Ladies’ with you even when we’re married with kids [our hubbies will just have to deal with it]
  23. I promise to stand guard when you feel like peeing in a parking garage.
  24. I promise to always tell you the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.
  25. You’re my sister from another mister, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
  26. I promise to laugh at every one of your jokes, even when no one else gets it.
  27. Thank you for always understanding me, even when I don’t understand myself sometimes.
  28. Thank you for putting up with me when I’m being difficult [and let’s be real… it’s not always easy]
  29. I promise not to always agree with you but to tell you what you need to hear, regardless if you want to hear it or not.
  30. I will always be your best friend. For better or worse. You’re stuck with me. Pinky promise.