Girl, you crazy

crazy-girl-YouTubeAfter having a much needed girl date with one of my gal pals the other night, I finally realized why men think woman are crazy. BECAUSE WE ARE. Granted, some more than others, but we all have a little crazy buried deep down inside of our psyches. Relax… [take a sip of wine] I’m not saying we are certified crazy and need to be committed to a mental institution, capiche? Just hear me out…

I just noticed that when girls get together and start analyzing their relationships with men, things always go down hill and more wine is consumed than originally planned. But WHY?! Because we were born with two X chromosomes, that’s why!

Typically the conversation always begins with ‘how are things going with [insert-recent-hook-up’s-name-here]?‘ or ‘OMG! Do you remember that guy from way back when that I totally went out with?‘. This is when things go from good… to crazy. In our minds, before we discuss anything with our girls, we have a pretty good grasp on our current situation with whomever is lucky enough to be talking to, hooking up with, or dating us. But once our lovely gal pals start asking us questions like ‘where do you see this going?’ or ‘do you have feelings for him?’, we start to second guess ourselves. Then we start to over-analyze the situation. Woman are SO good at over analyzing simple situations! One second we’ve accepted the fact [and are perfectly satisfied] with the fact that the dude we’ve been texting is strictly a FWB, and the next second we are depressed and crying into our wine glass because we want a relationship with him [insert eye roll here].  The more we discuss it, the worse it gets and then someone ends up subscribing to because we don’t want to die alone with a million cats.

Ladies, listen up. We are all guilty of this. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. At some point in our life, we’ve ALL over analyzed a situation that was clearly black and white. I know I’m guilty of it but you know what? I’m a girl. Over analyzing is built into my DNA [thanks a lot, genetics]. Woman are emotional little creatures. We can’t help it! Some woman are just better than others at hiding the crazy and acting like a lady.

That being said… after you and your girlfriends have talked in circles about something that clearly is out of your control, pull yourself together, put on some lipstick, and move on with your day. The likelihood of you dying alone and having a million cats is very slim [unless that’s your goal in life]. I’m a firm believer in things happen for a reason and what’s meant to be, will be [so cliché, I know]. If you’re satisfied with whatever situation you have going on with said FWB [or whatever you consider him to be], don’t let your girlfriends convince you otherwise. Granted, girlfriends are there to back you up and make sure you don’t get hurt, but stay true to yourself. Do whatever your little heart desires!

Fellas… I apologize for the fact that us women can get a little nuts sometimes and our emotions can sometimes get out of control. Just blame the fact that we weren’t born with a Y chromosome. Be accepting and remember ‘this too shall pass’.

Ciao for now!



Ex’s are ex’s for a reason

getting-back-with-ex-meme1You know what kills me? When someone starts dating their ex again. Now I’m all about recycling because it’s good for the environment but recycling significant others is a big no-no in my book. I usually live by the rule ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try again‘ but not when it comes to ex’s. If you’re the one that was broken up with, I’m sure you’re absolutely devastated and have mascara permanently stained into your face from crying so much. So if your ex says he’s ready for a second go-around, you’re more than likely going to jump right back in without thinking. Big mistake, hunny child. Would you jump off a cliff without thinking about it first? Probably not. So here are the top ten reasons why you should never date you ex again:

1. You clearly broke up for a reason. Usually those reasons are pretty legit [like cheating, constant arguing, crabs]. If the reason was a deal breaker then, it’ll be a deal breaker in a few months, too.

2. Change is a good thing. Why keep repeating the same shit over and over again? Change is refreshing. Sure, being single again can suck but think of all the fun you can have!

3. You can’t undo the past. It’s unnecessary baggage. All the bullshit that you two have fought about before will rear it’s ugly head again. I promise.

4. It’s a rollar coaster ride. Don’t get me wrong… I love roller roasters but not when it comes to my love life. Who has time to worry about if you and your boo will be still be together in two weeks when you’ve already RSVP’d to your friend’s wedding? Not me.

5. You get to bone other people! A lot of girls out there worry about the fact that they will most likely end up sleeping with someone new so their ‘number‘ will be higher. OMG! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! Who cares? Shut up and go get laid. Enjoy yourself.

6. If he left you for another girl, he thought he could do better. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t think you were the Because you are. Forget that loser!

7. It’s immature and indecisive. Now coming from someone who has serious commitment issues and cannot make any decision without having a mild panic attack, I’m sure this doesn’t mean a lot.  But seriously… make your decision and stick to you.

8. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Homeboy that just broke your heart is one of a million other homeboy’s and he’s clearly not the one for you [or you wouldn’t have broken up in the first place]. Go get your pole and go fishing. Hope you catch a big one!

9. It’s like reading the same book over and over again. You already know how the ending is [and it’s usually sucks]. Go find a new book. You won’t regret it.

10. It’s the worst idea ever. Seriously. I’d rather step in front of a moving train than date any of my ex’s ever again. Okay, some of them weren’t THAT bad so I’m being a little dramatic but you get the idea… Don’t do it.

Just a little food for thought… Ciao for now!!

I’m yelling tinder!

wpid-Screenshot_2014-01-21-11-21-53-1.pngThis new phenomenon called Tinder is taking over the dating scene. However, I don’t know how much “dating” actually takes place between the Tinderellas and Tinderonis that are swiping day in and day out. It’s probably one of the most shallow activities I’ve ever participated in yet I can’t get enough of it! It’s something to do while sitting on the metro, wasting time on the porcelain throne, pretending to work out at the gym, or when you just can’t seem to fall asleep [forget counting sheep!]I will probably develop arthritis in my thumb if I keep it up…. so much swiping! If you’re looking for Mr. Right you may want to forgo Tinder and join Match… or go to church [whatever works best for you] but it’s perfect if you’re looking for Mr. Right Now. Personally, I tinder for shits and giggles… I mean, why not? It’s definitely an ego booster when you get a match.


Hallejulah! Someone finds me remotely attractive based on six random photos of myself [that my friends so lovingly picked for me]! I can finally get on with my day [just kidding]. Now the likelihood of me messaging the stud above is slim to none [because that would make way too much sense and I’m an irrational female] and I definitely won’t be holding my breath while waiting for a witty message from him. Gents, if you do message a girl, don’t ask her if she wants to “cuddle”. We all know what that means, and no, we don’t want to. Okay, well maybe some girls do [all the power to you girlfriend!]. At least buy me a drink before you try to take my pants off… Jeez.

Tinder also allows you to see how many friends you have in common on Facebook, if any, which allows you to Facebook stalk the cute boy thats nearby [sweet!]. This definitely plays a role in my decision to swipe right or left. Always remember, when in doubt, swipe left. I mean, do you really want to risk swiping right to the babe that’s Facebook friends with the crazy girl you used to be friendly with? No, you don’t… unless you’re me because YOLO [yes, I said YOLO. Get over it.]. So in that instance, I did swipe right against my better judgement because he is soOoOo dreamy [luckily nothing bad ever came of it].

Now Tinder isn’t all rainbows and butterflies… the one issue I have with it is that I can’t search for someone based on height. Sure, you may look good but how tall are you? How do you ask your new found stud muffin how tall he is without coming across as a total douche? Being 5’10, I need to know if I am going to tower over you when we meet up for HH after work, because you know I’ll be wearing heels which turns me into a 6’1 sasquatch with a pencil skirt. Tinder tip for all you single fellas: Put your height in your personal statement. Ladies love that shit. 

One plus to Tinder is that there is a plethora of options for you. I came across this gem during my swipe fest one day:


The fact that someone like this was 5 miles from me makes me a little uneasy [sorry Joey!]…. Oh, and then there’s this type of guy:


That’s a nice set of abs homeboy, but come on!  If I want to stare at picture perfect abs all day, I’ll hit up Google. At least Google won’t ask me to cuddle. And then there was this:


It Aint what? Oh right… it aint happening. Next!

One way to spice things up is to let your friends Tinder for you… and it usually involves booze [obviously]. That’s what I like to do anyways. It makes for much more interesting matches and makes me feel like I’m living on the wild side… especially when I have tequila running through my veins. Just make sure your friends have your best interest at heart… otherwise you will end up with your roommate swiping right for EVERYONE [you know who you are!].

So to all you commitment-phobes [like myself] who like the casual dating scene, give it a shot. Make sure you stretch before hand. Your thumb is about to get a good workout. Happy hunting!

Ciao for now.


A little to the left…

sexOnce upon a time…. my friend Gunther and I enjoyed a nice four legged frolic. I mean, what else is there to do when it’s snowing like it’s the north pole… right? Anyways, after the typical pillow talk and exchanging high fives on a job well done, my brain just wasn’t ready to shut off. As Gunther lay there snoring like a big hairy man bear [totally hot!], I couldn’t help but wonder… is it socially acceptable to give your partner tips on how to better please you? Don’t worry… Gunther knows what he’s doing [in case you were worried].

But what if your shagging partner gets lost downtown and never gets to the final destination? What’s the point in boning if you’re not even going to get your rocks off? A’iint nobody got time for dat!

So I say go for it! It’s definitely a sensitive subject, but totally necessary in certain circumstances. But if your dude was just born with talent [like Gunther…and me, obviously], congrats! Keep up the good work!

So to all you fornicating betches out there, if you’re in this pre-dick-a-ment, there are a three ways you can go about this:

  1. Completely ignore the fact that the sex is subpar. At least you’ll be great at faking it. [And maybe you should invest in a battery operated device, as well.]
  2. Passive-agressively point him to a how-to article on the internet, like the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy. Beware: now he knows he sucks. You may have to reap the consequences of that.
  3. Have him put some training wheels on and guide him through the process [my personal favorite].

Whichever way you decide, be sensitive. We all like to think we are masters in the genital region, so it can be easy to get butt hurt when someone says otherwise. Sure, it may be a little awkward to tell him he needs directions, but in the end, both of you will be grateful when you help him steer his way through the vaginal valley of adventure. If he’s a man, he’ll get over the fact that he needs to improve, and focus on the goal ahead. Same goes to you, fellas. Don’t be afraid to tell your woman if she needs help when it comes to your bean stalk. Personally, I always aim to please so I can’t imagine that some constructive criticism wouldn’t be beneficial. Onwards and upwards, my friends!

Ciao for now!


Valentine’s Day


As many of you know, Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. I’m sure some of you are panicking because you still have yet to plan a romantic evening for your hunny, while some of you are already planning on binge drinking boxed wine and stuffing your face with chocolate because you’re single and alone [been there, done that].

For the first time in my single life, I’m not dreading February 14. Better late then never, right? It feels good, to be honest. Usually Valentine’s Day hovers over me like a menacing storm cloud but not this year. I feel like there is a cluster of singles out there that absolutely despise this so called “Hallmark Holiday”… Actually, I know there are because I use to be one of them. But not anymore! Hallelujah!!

I really do love, love. I know from personal experience that one of the best feelings is loving someone and having them love you in return. It’s fantastic and I genuinely hope that each and every one of you experience it at some point in your life. I’m surrounded by friends and family that are in love and I’m so happy for them. Enjoy the sappiness while it last folks… I’m in rare form this morning!

So to all the couples out there… I hope your little love muffin showers you with love and affection on Valentine’s Day. But not just on February 14. That’s just one day out of many. I believe in  showing your significant other that you love them every single day. And I don’t mean by buying them gifts every day. It’s the little things that matter like asking her how her day went [and actually listening to her while she tells you], making him dinner after a long day at the office, or even telling her how beautiful she is for no reason except to see her smile. See… I am secretly am a hopeless romantic deep down inside!

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate your relationships with the ones you love. I will be celebrating the love I have for myself. I know, I know. It probably sounds crazy and selfish but I have been in a committed relationship with myself for a long time, and you know what? I’m happy. So this Valentine’s Day is for me, myself, and I. I love myself and the woman I have become over the years. I hope all of you feel the same way about yourselves, because you deserve it!

It’s also about the love you have for the people that are close to you. So for all you bachelors and bachelorettes out there that are dreading V-Day, don’t! Surround yourself with friends and family that love you. Do something nice for yourself, go out and have a good time [even if that involves binge drinking wine!] and ignore what society says Valentine’s Day is all about. Go celebrate your life, your freedom to do whatever the hell you want, and most importantly, the love you have for YOU!

Ciao for now! screen-capture-4


BFB: Best Friend’s Brother


Picture this: you’ve met the perfect an awesome guy [no one’s perfect…right?]. Funny? Check. Cute? Check. Tall? Check! Oh, but there’s a catch. He’s your friend’s brother. Can you say awkward?!

I know I’m not the first girl to run into this problem [however I may be one of the few to admit it]. It’s not a mystery as to why this would happen either. I obviously enjoy spending time with my friend, think he’s funny, etc. and his brother is [almost] the same person, just in a different body. Disclaimer: I do not have a secret crush on my friend because that would be super weird and uncomfortable. I just want to clear that up. So now what? Well… it’s a sticky situation.

I have always lived by the rule that friends’ family members are 100% off limits! No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. Luckily for me, I’ve never even been remotely attracted to my friends’ siblings  so no one has ever made me challenge that rule… until now. I swear 2014 has thrown me so many curveballs already it’s ridiculous!

Always remember before you enter into the danger zone, that there is always  the risk of this “relationship” ruining your friendship. Is it worth it? Probably not. Will your friend care? Possibly. Even if they seem not to care, it can still be tricky. I suggest you subtly feel your friend out to get an idea of how much he or she will freak when they learn you may want to bone [or engage in some heavy petting with] their brother before you actually bump uglies with him. Or you could be like me and drunkenly admit it out loud… in front of everyone… during brunch after a few mimosas… after the deed has already been done [oops… sorry, J!] Secrets, secrets are no fun unless they’re shared with everyone! …Right?

Now  I’m not usually one to kiss and tell but the guilt was like a 100 pound dumbbell hanging from my conscious, just dragging me down slowly. Ok, so that may not seem like a lot of weight to you [if you’re a buff muscle machine] but I prefer to limit the weight on my conscious to 25 lbs dumbbells. At the time it seemed easier just to spill the beans right then… [kinda like ripping off a band aid… all in one foul swoop]. Maybe it was the DELICIOUS mimosas but luckily my friend just laughed it off [I hope you high fived your bro later because obviously I’m such a great catch! Haha].

Will it happen again? Ehh… I don’t like to limit myself and I really don’t like making promises I can’t keep so I’ll plead the fifth on that one. But for all of you boot-knockin-son-of-a-guns that want to keep your little love fest afloat, there are a few main things to keep in mind. Always make time for your friend without their sibling/your new love toy. You never want either one of them to feel like the third wheel [because it sucks!]. In a perfect world, all three of you could be inseparable and no one would feel left out but the likliehood of that happening is slim to none [not being pessimistic, just being realistic]. Be aware of the amount of PDA going on. If you’re not a fan of PDA to begin with then this won’t be a problem. But if you’re like me, a little [and I mean very little] PDA never hurt anyone. That being said, no one enjoys being a witness to two people playing tonsil hockey [unless you get off to that…no judgement here!]. Never go to your friend about your relationship issues you may have with their sibling. Blood is thicker than water so that is just asking for trouble.

And then the GOLDEN RULE: If things don’t work out between you and your main squeeze and you go your separate ways, don’t let that ruin your friendship with your pal. Chicks before dicks, bros before hoes! Okay, you get the picture. From my experience, no one is worth losing a friend over. Capiche?

So think about the consequences before you give into temptation… unless you’re like me and live in the moment. Either way, it’s bound to be an interesting ride!

Ciao for now!


Friends with Benefits.




Friends with benefits. Fuck buddy. Benefit buddy. Whatever you want to call it. In the end, it all means the same thing. Its two friends who like to casually bone without commitment or feelings. I’ve had my fair share of experiences with the whole FWB situation. Some good, some bad, and some where I’ve definitely questioned my life decisions afterwards!

It’s a sticky situation [literally and figuratively.TMI? Get over it.] and it’s not made for everyone. So before you enter into the FWB zone, ask yourself a few questions:

  1. Do you have feelings for your possible FWB? If yes, stop while you’re ahead!! Do not go past go! I’m warning you…. It won’t end well if you have feelings [especially if he doesn’t feel the same]. If no, please continue.
  2. Does your FWB have feelings for you and you don’t have feelings for him? If yes, stop. You don’t want to break to break any hearts [or maybe you do… if so, go for it girl!]
  3. Are you comfortable with your FWB sleeping with other people? No? Pump the breaks sister.
  4. Are you okay with being a booty call? No? Friends with benefits is not for you.
  5. Would you be upset if he doesn’t call the day after you hook up [or the next day or the next day]? Yes? Sorry. Go find a boyfriend.

If you’re okay with any of these things, go for it! FWB can be a lot of fun [depending on your partner]. Just don’t be weird when you see them out at the bar talking to the opposite sex. They will most likely end up in your bed later and that’s the main goal anyways, right? Right.  Just because you’ve  danced the horizontal tango together before does not mean you have any claim on each other. You’re both allowed to talk, flirt with, eye fuck [or do the nasty with] other people [consider it part of foreplay!]. Relax. As long as you’re not a starfish in the sack, I’m sure homeboy will be right beside you in the cab when the bars close. And if not, so what? That’s the beauty of  friends with benefits. Just be confident in yourself [and your sexual abilities]. Confidence is sexy! Also, just a word of advice, don’t get your panties in a bunch when your hook up buddy calls you at 2:00 am asking for you to  be naked in his bed in 30 minutes. Either ignore the call and go back to sleep or throw on some Uggs, get your happy ass in a cab, and go get your rocks off. I suggest the latter [in case you were wondering]. 

What happens when you develop feelings for your fuck buddy? Well my friend, that’s something you have to figure out for yourself. I wish I could tell you there was a perfect answer to this but sadly, there isn’t [at least I haven’t come up with one]. If you’re afraid of getting hurt, run for the hills! But if not, I guess it depends on how great the sex is [and I hope it’s fantastic!].

So screw away, my friends! Don’t forget to wrap it before you tap it.

Ciao for now!