FRIEND ZONE

friendzoneThe friend zone. The dreaded place that all dudes hope they never end up in and only the select few can escape from. Sorry, fellas. It does exist. I know, I know. Being in the friend zone can be worse than being kicked in the gonads by a football player wearing muddy cleats but toughen up buttercup. Stop asking yourself ‘why do bad things happen to good people?!’ or ‘why am I not good enough?!‘. Go drown away your sorrows away at Whitlow’s Mug Night. It’s nothing that cheap beer can’t fix! Girls invented [and perfected] the friend zone so stop trying to figure out how to avoid it. You won’t win. If you find that you have been banished to the FZ, there are some rules you need to remember and respect.

You will not see us naked. Stop dreaming that one day we will become so intoxicated we forget that we don’t have feelings for you and take our clothes off. You may get a nip slip here and there if we get white girl wasted in front of you on the reg but don’t get your hopes up. On that note, we trust you enough to get white girl wasted in front of you. Don’t break that trust by taking advantage of our drunken state.

Stop trying to escape from the friend zone. You have a better chance of solving the Riemann hypothesis while hoola-hooping naked. Just accept it. We will come to you if we come to the realization that we are madly in love with you.

Don’t confess your love for us after partaking in said Mug Night. We don’t want to hear it and you’ll regret it in the morning. It’s a lose, lose situation.

Do not get butt hurt when we date [or hook up] with other dudes. You’re not our boyfriend. Either accept the fact that homegirl is getting it in with the 6’4, slightly bearded stud muffin or peace out, girl scout!

Don’t mistake us inviting you to our crib to watch a movie as an invitation into our pants [or hearts]. We simply want to watch a movie and preferably not alone. We’re comfortable enough with you to veg on the couch while stuffing our face with popcorn but not comfortable enough to spoon and feel your chubbie on our lower back.

You’re not NOT good enough [double negative… ugh. I know!]. Stop putting yourself down. It’s a big turn off if a guy isn’t confident. We think you’re great [hence why we want to be friends]. We just can’t imagine being naked with you. Don’t take it personally.

If we introduce you to our girlfriends as our friend, we mean it. Take it as a compliment that we want our besties to meet you but don’t think it’s because we are secretly having them analyze you to see if you’re dating material. We’ve most likely already briefed our clique on that fact that the relationship is strictly platonic.

It’s pretty simple, actually. If a girl wants you in the friend zone, that’s where you’ll be. There’s nothing you can do about it. Either accept it or move on. Girls are stubborn creatures [if you haven’t already figured this out] and if we want you to be more than a friend, it’ll happen, if we don’t, it won’t. Don’t hound us on why we can’t take our friendship to the next level [because there isn’t one]. Now don’t misconstrue my words… I am in no way, shape, or form giving girls permission to treat you like garbage and take advantage of you [and if a girl is, drop her like a hot potato!]. If being in the friend zone is making you miserable, there are two things you can do… completely check out of the situation or take a risk and confess your feelings to her [while sober]. The choice is yours. Hopefully it works out in your favor but don’t put all your eggs in one basket!

Just a friendly tip: Play hard to get once in a while. Don’t be at our beck and call every single second, of every single day. We know you’re infatuated with us and we will take advantage of it [some women can be such bitches!]. We might actually realize you mean more to us than expected if you don’t make yourself so available.

Good luck! Ciao for now doods!

Girl Code

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When it comes to you and your favorite gal pals, there are some unwritten rules that you should always abide to. Now you’ll usually hear me say rules are meant to be broken [I’m such a rebel!] but not when it comes to Girl Code. If you or girlfriend(s) break any of the following codes, you may want to reevaluate your friendship. So here we go…. Girl codes [according to me]:

1. Chicks before dicks. All day, err day! Sure, guys are great [sometimes] and we all love the attention we get from them but your girls should always come first. Afterall, guys are there to have fun with but your girls are your soulmates.

2. Ex-boyfriends/crushes/FWB/current BF’s are 100% off limits. Don’t even go there. Don’t even entertain the idea. I don’t care if your BFF’s crush is hotter than Channing Tatum [impossible!]  Don’t do it.

3. Don’t cock block. We are all adults here. If Betty Sue wants to go home with Charlie from Cha-Chas, let her, except if he is your crush [refer to #2] or if she may contract herpes. That shit is for life! Suggest using protection in a non-judgemental way.

4. Always be the shoulder to cry on. When your sidekick gets her heartbroken, it is your duty as a female companion to supply tissues, wine, and an open ear. Even if you don’t have any good advice, sometimes just listening to her rant over how awful that guy is helps. Just remember to wear dark colors when offering your shoulder to her… mascara is really hard to wash out.

5. Girls night out. When she’s done crying [refer to #4] dust off those fuck me pumps and go paint the town red. Nothing like a good booty shaking sesh to cure a broken heart. Seriously though… girls night is one of the best inventions ever!

6. Keep her secrets to yourself. I don’t care what any girl says, we all gossip. Don’t be ashamed of it but know when to shut up. We all know what can and cannot be repeated. Don’t start drama! Don’t be that girl.

7. When she looks good, tell her [and vice versa]. Even if you’re the most confident girl in the room, knowing someone thinks you look great feels great. But if she doesn’t look her best, give her honest but loving advice [those jeans are alriiiiight but maybe try that black skirt]. You should always want your girl to look and feel her best!

8. Always be each other’s lesbian lover when the creep at the bar won’t get a clue… that’s not the only option on dealing with unwanted male attention but you get the picture. Don’t leave her hanging.

9. Be a good wingwoman [if necessary]. Even if your gal pal is chatting up with the hottest guy around and he is friend is a total grenade, take one for the team. I bet she’d do it for you!

10. Always be her #1 fan. No matter what. If you have her back, she will have yours [hopefully]. You may not always agree on everything but that doesn’t mean you can’t support her. Sure, we don’t always make the best life decision [no one is perfect… except for Beyonce] but knowing your girls have your back makes life easier.

11. Don’t let anyone mess with your clique. When shit hits the fan, rally together and kick ass [not literally… not trying to get arrested]. Ride together, die together!

12. If you know for a fact that her BF is being shady, tell her. She may not believe you but in the long run, it’s worth it.

13. Be sincere and genuine.. If you can’t be yourself around your girls, then there’s a serious issue. No one likes fake people.

14. Every big moment in your girl’s life should be celebrated. Birthdays, promotions, first bikini waxing [haha just kidding… but seriously]. It doesn’t matter what it is. Dancing? Check! Wine? Check! Balloons? Why not?!

15. If she’s hammered and looks like she needs help, help her [this applies to strangers, too]. There’s no excuse for not doing the right thing. Be a good samaritan. Help a sista out.

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