Girl, you crazy

crazy-girl-YouTubeAfter having a much needed girl date with one of my gal pals the other night, I finally realized why men think woman are crazy. BECAUSE WE ARE. Granted, some more than others, but we all have a little crazy buried deep down inside of our psyches. Relax… [take a sip of wine] I’m not saying we are certified crazy and need to be committed to a mental institution, capiche? Just hear me out…

I just noticed that when girls get together and start analyzing their relationships with men, things always go down hill and more wine is consumed than originally planned. But WHY?! Because we were born with two X chromosomes, that’s why!

Typically the conversation always begins with ‘how are things going with [insert-recent-hook-up’s-name-here]?‘ or ‘OMG! Do you remember that guy from way back when that I totally went out with?‘. This is when things go from good… to crazy. In our minds, before we discuss anything with our girls, we have a pretty good grasp on our current situation with whomever is lucky enough to be talking to, hooking up with, or dating us. But once our lovely gal pals start asking us questions like ‘where do you see this going?’ or ‘do you have feelings for him?’, we start to second guess ourselves. Then we start to over-analyze the situation. Woman are SO good at over analyzing simple situations! One second we’ve accepted the fact [and are perfectly satisfied] with the fact that the dude we’ve been texting is strictly a FWB, and the next second we are depressed and crying into our wine glass because we want a relationship with him [insert eye roll here].  The more we discuss it, the worse it gets and then someone ends up subscribing to match.com because we don’t want to die alone with a million cats.

Ladies, listen up. We are all guilty of this. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. At some point in our life, we’ve ALL over analyzed a situation that was clearly black and white. I know I’m guilty of it but you know what? I’m a girl. Over analyzing is built into my DNA [thanks a lot, genetics]. Woman are emotional little creatures. We can’t help it! Some woman are just better than others at hiding the crazy and acting like a lady.

That being said… after you and your girlfriends have talked in circles about something that clearly is out of your control, pull yourself together, put on some lipstick, and move on with your day. The likelihood of you dying alone and having a million cats is very slim [unless that’s your goal in life]. I’m a firm believer in things happen for a reason and what’s meant to be, will be [so cliché, I know]. If you’re satisfied with whatever situation you have going on with said FWB [or whatever you consider him to be], don’t let your girlfriends convince you otherwise. Granted, girlfriends are there to back you up and make sure you don’t get hurt, but stay true to yourself. Do whatever your little heart desires!

Fellas… I apologize for the fact that us women can get a little nuts sometimes and our emotions can sometimes get out of control. Just blame the fact that we weren’t born with a Y chromosome. Be accepting and remember ‘this too shall pass’.

Ciao for now!

 

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Ex’s are ex’s for a reason

getting-back-with-ex-meme1You know what kills me? When someone starts dating their ex again. Now I’m all about recycling because it’s good for the environment but recycling significant others is a big no-no in my book. I usually live by the rule ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try again‘ but not when it comes to ex’s. If you’re the one that was broken up with, I’m sure you’re absolutely devastated and have mascara permanently stained into your face from crying so much. So if your ex says he’s ready for a second go-around, you’re more than likely going to jump right back in without thinking. Big mistake, hunny child. Would you jump off a cliff without thinking about it first? Probably not. So here are the top ten reasons why you should never date you ex again:

1. You clearly broke up for a reason. Usually those reasons are pretty legit [like cheating, constant arguing, crabs]. If the reason was a deal breaker then, it’ll be a deal breaker in a few months, too.

2. Change is a good thing. Why keep repeating the same shit over and over again? Change is refreshing. Sure, being single again can suck but think of all the fun you can have!

3. You can’t undo the past. It’s unnecessary baggage. All the bullshit that you two have fought about before will rear it’s ugly head again. I promise.

4. It’s a rollar coaster ride. Don’t get me wrong… I love roller roasters but not when it comes to my love life. Who has time to worry about if you and your boo will be still be together in two weeks when you’ve already RSVP’d to your friend’s wedding? Not me.

5. You get to bone other people! A lot of girls out there worry about the fact that they will most likely end up sleeping with someone new so their ‘number‘ will be higher. OMG! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! Who cares? Shut up and go get laid. Enjoy yourself.

6. If he left you for another girl, he thought he could do better. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t think you were the bomb.com? Because you are. Forget that loser!

7. It’s immature and indecisive. Now coming from someone who has serious commitment issues and cannot make any decision without having a mild panic attack, I’m sure this doesn’t mean a lot.  But seriously… make your decision and stick to you.

8. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Homeboy that just broke your heart is one of a million other homeboy’s and he’s clearly not the one for you [or you wouldn’t have broken up in the first place]. Go get your pole and go fishing. Hope you catch a big one!

9. It’s like reading the same book over and over again. You already know how the ending is [and it’s usually sucks]. Go find a new book. You won’t regret it.

10. It’s the worst idea ever. Seriously. I’d rather step in front of a moving train than date any of my ex’s ever again. Okay, some of them weren’t THAT bad so I’m being a little dramatic but you get the idea… Don’t do it.

Just a little food for thought… Ciao for now!!

A little to the left…

sexOnce upon a time…. my friend Gunther and I enjoyed a nice four legged frolic. I mean, what else is there to do when it’s snowing like it’s the north pole… right? Anyways, after the typical pillow talk and exchanging high fives on a job well done, my brain just wasn’t ready to shut off. As Gunther lay there snoring like a big hairy man bear [totally hot!], I couldn’t help but wonder… is it socially acceptable to give your partner tips on how to better please you? Don’t worry… Gunther knows what he’s doing [in case you were worried].

But what if your shagging partner gets lost downtown and never gets to the final destination? What’s the point in boning if you’re not even going to get your rocks off? A’iint nobody got time for dat!

So I say go for it! It’s definitely a sensitive subject, but totally necessary in certain circumstances. But if your dude was just born with talent [like Gunther…and me, obviously], congrats! Keep up the good work!

So to all you fornicating betches out there, if you’re in this pre-dick-a-ment, there are a three ways you can go about this:

  1. Completely ignore the fact that the sex is subpar. At least you’ll be great at faking it. [And maybe you should invest in a battery operated device, as well.]
  2. Passive-agressively point him to a how-to article on the internet, like the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy. Beware: now he knows he sucks. You may have to reap the consequences of that.
  3. Have him put some training wheels on and guide him through the process [my personal favorite].

Whichever way you decide, be sensitive. We all like to think we are masters in the genital region, so it can be easy to get butt hurt when someone says otherwise. Sure, it may be a little awkward to tell him he needs directions, but in the end, both of you will be grateful when you help him steer his way through the vaginal valley of adventure. If he’s a man, he’ll get over the fact that he needs to improve, and focus on the goal ahead. Same goes to you, fellas. Don’t be afraid to tell your woman if she needs help when it comes to your bean stalk. Personally, I always aim to please so I can’t imagine that some constructive criticism wouldn’t be beneficial. Onwards and upwards, my friends!

Ciao for now!