Girl, you crazy

crazy-girl-YouTubeAfter having a much needed girl date with one of my gal pals the other night, I finally realized why men think woman are crazy. BECAUSE WE ARE. Granted, some more than others, but we all have a little crazy buried deep down inside of our psyches. Relax… [take a sip of wine] I’m not saying we are certified crazy and need to be committed to a mental institution, capiche? Just hear me out…

I just noticed that when girls get together and start analyzing their relationships with men, things always go down hill and more wine is consumed than originally planned. But WHY?! Because we were born with two X chromosomes, that’s why!

Typically the conversation always begins with ‘how are things going with [insert-recent-hook-up’s-name-here]?‘ or ‘OMG! Do you remember that guy from way back when that I totally went out with?‘. This is when things go from good… to crazy. In our minds, before we discuss anything with our girls, we have a pretty good grasp on our current situation with whomever is lucky enough to be talking to, hooking up with, or dating us. But once our lovely gal pals start asking us questions like ‘where do you see this going?’ or ‘do you have feelings for him?’, we start to second guess ourselves. Then we start to over-analyze the situation. Woman are SO good at over analyzing simple situations! One second we’ve accepted the fact [and are perfectly satisfied] with the fact that the dude we’ve been texting is strictly a FWB, and the next second we are depressed and crying into our wine glass because we want a relationship with him [insert eye roll here].  The more we discuss it, the worse it gets and then someone ends up subscribing to match.com because we don’t want to die alone with a million cats.

Ladies, listen up. We are all guilty of this. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. At some point in our life, we’ve ALL over analyzed a situation that was clearly black and white. I know I’m guilty of it but you know what? I’m a girl. Over analyzing is built into my DNA [thanks a lot, genetics]. Woman are emotional little creatures. We can’t help it! Some woman are just better than others at hiding the crazy and acting like a lady.

That being said… after you and your girlfriends have talked in circles about something that clearly is out of your control, pull yourself together, put on some lipstick, and move on with your day. The likelihood of you dying alone and having a million cats is very slim [unless that’s your goal in life]. I’m a firm believer in things happen for a reason and what’s meant to be, will be [so cliché, I know]. If you’re satisfied with whatever situation you have going on with said FWB [or whatever you consider him to be], don’t let your girlfriends convince you otherwise. Granted, girlfriends are there to back you up and make sure you don’t get hurt, but stay true to yourself. Do whatever your little heart desires!

Fellas… I apologize for the fact that us women can get a little nuts sometimes and our emotions can sometimes get out of control. Just blame the fact that we weren’t born with a Y chromosome. Be accepting and remember ‘this too shall pass’.

Ciao for now!

 

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FRIEND ZONE

friendzoneThe friend zone. The dreaded place that all dudes hope they never end up in and only the select few can escape from. Sorry, fellas. It does exist. I know, I know. Being in the friend zone can be worse than being kicked in the gonads by a football player wearing muddy cleats but toughen up buttercup. Stop asking yourself ‘why do bad things happen to good people?!’ or ‘why am I not good enough?!‘. Go drown away your sorrows away at Whitlow’s Mug Night. It’s nothing that cheap beer can’t fix! Girls invented [and perfected] the friend zone so stop trying to figure out how to avoid it. You won’t win. If you find that you have been banished to the FZ, there are some rules you need to remember and respect.

You will not see us naked. Stop dreaming that one day we will become so intoxicated we forget that we don’t have feelings for you and take our clothes off. You may get a nip slip here and there if we get white girl wasted in front of you on the reg but don’t get your hopes up. On that note, we trust you enough to get white girl wasted in front of you. Don’t break that trust by taking advantage of our drunken state.

Stop trying to escape from the friend zone. You have a better chance of solving the Riemann hypothesis while hoola-hooping naked. Just accept it. We will come to you if we come to the realization that we are madly in love with you.

Don’t confess your love for us after partaking in said Mug Night. We don’t want to hear it and you’ll regret it in the morning. It’s a lose, lose situation.

Do not get butt hurt when we date [or hook up] with other dudes. You’re not our boyfriend. Either accept the fact that homegirl is getting it in with the 6’4, slightly bearded stud muffin or peace out, girl scout!

Don’t mistake us inviting you to our crib to watch a movie as an invitation into our pants [or hearts]. We simply want to watch a movie and preferably not alone. We’re comfortable enough with you to veg on the couch while stuffing our face with popcorn but not comfortable enough to spoon and feel your chubbie on our lower back.

You’re not NOT good enough [double negative… ugh. I know!]. Stop putting yourself down. It’s a big turn off if a guy isn’t confident. We think you’re great [hence why we want to be friends]. We just can’t imagine being naked with you. Don’t take it personally.

If we introduce you to our girlfriends as our friend, we mean it. Take it as a compliment that we want our besties to meet you but don’t think it’s because we are secretly having them analyze you to see if you’re dating material. We’ve most likely already briefed our clique on that fact that the relationship is strictly platonic.

It’s pretty simple, actually. If a girl wants you in the friend zone, that’s where you’ll be. There’s nothing you can do about it. Either accept it or move on. Girls are stubborn creatures [if you haven’t already figured this out] and if we want you to be more than a friend, it’ll happen, if we don’t, it won’t. Don’t hound us on why we can’t take our friendship to the next level [because there isn’t one]. Now don’t misconstrue my words… I am in no way, shape, or form giving girls permission to treat you like garbage and take advantage of you [and if a girl is, drop her like a hot potato!]. If being in the friend zone is making you miserable, there are two things you can do… completely check out of the situation or take a risk and confess your feelings to her [while sober]. The choice is yours. Hopefully it works out in your favor but don’t put all your eggs in one basket!

Just a friendly tip: Play hard to get once in a while. Don’t be at our beck and call every single second, of every single day. We know you’re infatuated with us and we will take advantage of it [some women can be such bitches!]. We might actually realize you mean more to us than expected if you don’t make yourself so available.

Good luck! Ciao for now doods!

Ex’s are ex’s for a reason

getting-back-with-ex-meme1You know what kills me? When someone starts dating their ex again. Now I’m all about recycling because it’s good for the environment but recycling significant others is a big no-no in my book. I usually live by the rule ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try again‘ but not when it comes to ex’s. If you’re the one that was broken up with, I’m sure you’re absolutely devastated and have mascara permanently stained into your face from crying so much. So if your ex says he’s ready for a second go-around, you’re more than likely going to jump right back in without thinking. Big mistake, hunny child. Would you jump off a cliff without thinking about it first? Probably not. So here are the top ten reasons why you should never date you ex again:

1. You clearly broke up for a reason. Usually those reasons are pretty legit [like cheating, constant arguing, crabs]. If the reason was a deal breaker then, it’ll be a deal breaker in a few months, too.

2. Change is a good thing. Why keep repeating the same shit over and over again? Change is refreshing. Sure, being single again can suck but think of all the fun you can have!

3. You can’t undo the past. It’s unnecessary baggage. All the bullshit that you two have fought about before will rear it’s ugly head again. I promise.

4. It’s a rollar coaster ride. Don’t get me wrong… I love roller roasters but not when it comes to my love life. Who has time to worry about if you and your boo will be still be together in two weeks when you’ve already RSVP’d to your friend’s wedding? Not me.

5. You get to bone other people! A lot of girls out there worry about the fact that they will most likely end up sleeping with someone new so their ‘number‘ will be higher. OMG! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! Who cares? Shut up and go get laid. Enjoy yourself.

6. If he left you for another girl, he thought he could do better. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t think you were the bomb.com? Because you are. Forget that loser!

7. It’s immature and indecisive. Now coming from someone who has serious commitment issues and cannot make any decision without having a mild panic attack, I’m sure this doesn’t mean a lot.  But seriously… make your decision and stick to you.

8. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Homeboy that just broke your heart is one of a million other homeboy’s and he’s clearly not the one for you [or you wouldn’t have broken up in the first place]. Go get your pole and go fishing. Hope you catch a big one!

9. It’s like reading the same book over and over again. You already know how the ending is [and it’s usually sucks]. Go find a new book. You won’t regret it.

10. It’s the worst idea ever. Seriously. I’d rather step in front of a moving train than date any of my ex’s ever again. Okay, some of them weren’t THAT bad so I’m being a little dramatic but you get the idea… Don’t do it.

Just a little food for thought… Ciao for now!!

The Disappearing Act

magician-poof-disappearing-actI have a girlfriend [she’s a total babe for all you single fellas out there] who recently moved to DC and naturally entered into the dating scene. She’s three weeks in and she’s already caught onto what I like to call ‘The Disappearing Act‘.

This is when someone you have been talking to, sleeping with, playing tonsil hockey with, or doing whatever two single people do with each other just ups and disappears. No explanation. Just poof! Like magic! One minute you’re all hot and heavy and the next… silence. Get the picture? Okay, good.

Now I can’t speak for other places since I’ve only tried the dating scene in this fine city, but I feel like this happens on the reg. The first time it happened to me, my feelings were definitely hurt [yes, I do have feelings… sometimes]. After crying into my cheerios, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was naive and didn’t know how dating actually worked outside of college but it still didn’t seem right to me. But my momma always told me ‘If at first you don’t succeed, you can dust it off and try again‘… wait. No. Aaliyah told me that [sorry, ma!].

So following Aaliyah’s advice, I tried again. Now after the third disappearing act I was just plain mad. How dare he not give me an explanation?! Who does he think he is?! I’ll show him what he’s missing! Eventually I got used to it and here I am two years later, still alive and kicking and still meeting a bunch of magicians. It wasn’t until I finally “disappeared” on someone that I totally understood the reasoning behind it.

Yes, folks, I’ve become a magician myself [but only during emergency situations… obviously]. Yes, I totally get that we are all adults and if we don’t like someone we can at least have the decency to tell them after we’ve gone out a few times. But why? What’s the point? Do you owe me anything? Do I owe YOU anything? Unless we’ve confessed our undying love for each other and I have a ring on my finger, absolutely not. If I’m really not feeling it with homeboy that I met at the bar on Friday night, I really don’t feel like taking the time to tell him the sparks are missing. Disappearing is easy and I feel like this generation loves easy things. Besides, one of the few times I have tried explaining that I just wasn’t into someone, he just couldn’t grasp the concept of ‘I’m just not that into you‘ so don’t think I haven’t tried!

Part of me is a little sad that I’ve become so tolerant to this kind of thing, and even more disappointed that I have done this to someone because I don’t enjoy being an asshole [but shit happens]. But the other part of me is totally fine with it. Okay, so Joe Shmoe doesn’t like me? Big deal. Am I going to lose sleep over it? Absolutely not. Sure, I may be annoyed when my newfound stud muffin doesn’t answer when I casually ask if he wants to grab a drink but guess what? For every one dude that turns me down, there’s two more waiting to ask me out [I’m sure Cosmo probably did a study on it or something].

So for all of you that have experienced something like this, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Brush it off and get on Tinder. I guarantee you’ll find someone who wants to talk to you on there.

Ciao for now lovelies!

A little to the left…

sexOnce upon a time…. my friend Gunther and I enjoyed a nice four legged frolic. I mean, what else is there to do when it’s snowing like it’s the north pole… right? Anyways, after the typical pillow talk and exchanging high fives on a job well done, my brain just wasn’t ready to shut off. As Gunther lay there snoring like a big hairy man bear [totally hot!], I couldn’t help but wonder… is it socially acceptable to give your partner tips on how to better please you? Don’t worry… Gunther knows what he’s doing [in case you were worried].

But what if your shagging partner gets lost downtown and never gets to the final destination? What’s the point in boning if you’re not even going to get your rocks off? A’iint nobody got time for dat!

So I say go for it! It’s definitely a sensitive subject, but totally necessary in certain circumstances. But if your dude was just born with talent [like Gunther…and me, obviously], congrats! Keep up the good work!

So to all you fornicating betches out there, if you’re in this pre-dick-a-ment, there are a three ways you can go about this:

  1. Completely ignore the fact that the sex is subpar. At least you’ll be great at faking it. [And maybe you should invest in a battery operated device, as well.]
  2. Passive-agressively point him to a how-to article on the internet, like the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy. Beware: now he knows he sucks. You may have to reap the consequences of that.
  3. Have him put some training wheels on and guide him through the process [my personal favorite].

Whichever way you decide, be sensitive. We all like to think we are masters in the genital region, so it can be easy to get butt hurt when someone says otherwise. Sure, it may be a little awkward to tell him he needs directions, but in the end, both of you will be grateful when you help him steer his way through the vaginal valley of adventure. If he’s a man, he’ll get over the fact that he needs to improve, and focus on the goal ahead. Same goes to you, fellas. Don’t be afraid to tell your woman if she needs help when it comes to your bean stalk. Personally, I always aim to please so I can’t imagine that some constructive criticism wouldn’t be beneficial. Onwards and upwards, my friends!

Ciao for now!

BFB: Best Friend’s Brother

bro

Picture this: you’ve met the perfect an awesome guy [no one’s perfect…right?]. Funny? Check. Cute? Check. Tall? Check! Oh, but there’s a catch. He’s your friend’s brother. Can you say awkward?!

I know I’m not the first girl to run into this problem [however I may be one of the few to admit it]. It’s not a mystery as to why this would happen either. I obviously enjoy spending time with my friend, think he’s funny, etc. and his brother is [almost] the same person, just in a different body. Disclaimer: I do not have a secret crush on my friend because that would be super weird and uncomfortable. I just want to clear that up. So now what? Well… it’s a sticky situation.

I have always lived by the rule that friends’ family members are 100% off limits! No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. Luckily for me, I’ve never even been remotely attracted to my friends’ siblings  so no one has ever made me challenge that rule… until now. I swear 2014 has thrown me so many curveballs already it’s ridiculous!

Always remember before you enter into the danger zone, that there is always  the risk of this “relationship” ruining your friendship. Is it worth it? Probably not. Will your friend care? Possibly. Even if they seem not to care, it can still be tricky. I suggest you subtly feel your friend out to get an idea of how much he or she will freak when they learn you may want to bone [or engage in some heavy petting with] their brother before you actually bump uglies with him. Or you could be like me and drunkenly admit it out loud… in front of everyone… during brunch after a few mimosas… after the deed has already been done [oops… sorry, J!] Secrets, secrets are no fun unless they’re shared with everyone! …Right?

Now  I’m not usually one to kiss and tell but the guilt was like a 100 pound dumbbell hanging from my conscious, just dragging me down slowly. Ok, so that may not seem like a lot of weight to you [if you’re a buff muscle machine] but I prefer to limit the weight on my conscious to 25 lbs dumbbells. At the time it seemed easier just to spill the beans right then… [kinda like ripping off a band aid… all in one foul swoop]. Maybe it was the DELICIOUS mimosas but luckily my friend just laughed it off [I hope you high fived your bro later because obviously I’m such a great catch! Haha].

Will it happen again? Ehh… I don’t like to limit myself and I really don’t like making promises I can’t keep so I’ll plead the fifth on that one. But for all of you boot-knockin-son-of-a-guns that want to keep your little love fest afloat, there are a few main things to keep in mind. Always make time for your friend without their sibling/your new love toy. You never want either one of them to feel like the third wheel [because it sucks!]. In a perfect world, all three of you could be inseparable and no one would feel left out but the likliehood of that happening is slim to none [not being pessimistic, just being realistic]. Be aware of the amount of PDA going on. If you’re not a fan of PDA to begin with then this won’t be a problem. But if you’re like me, a little [and I mean very little] PDA never hurt anyone. That being said, no one enjoys being a witness to two people playing tonsil hockey [unless you get off to that…no judgement here!]. Never go to your friend about your relationship issues you may have with their sibling. Blood is thicker than water so that is just asking for trouble.

And then the GOLDEN RULE: If things don’t work out between you and your main squeeze and you go your separate ways, don’t let that ruin your friendship with your pal. Chicks before dicks, bros before hoes! Okay, you get the picture. From my experience, no one is worth losing a friend over. Capiche?

So think about the consequences before you give into temptation… unless you’re like me and live in the moment. Either way, it’s bound to be an interesting ride!

Ciao for now!

Friends with Benefits.

FWB

 

 

Friends with benefits. Fuck buddy. Benefit buddy. Whatever you want to call it. In the end, it all means the same thing. Its two friends who like to casually bone without commitment or feelings. I’ve had my fair share of experiences with the whole FWB situation. Some good, some bad, and some where I’ve definitely questioned my life decisions afterwards!

It’s a sticky situation [literally and figuratively.TMI? Get over it.] and it’s not made for everyone. So before you enter into the FWB zone, ask yourself a few questions:

  1. Do you have feelings for your possible FWB? If yes, stop while you’re ahead!! Do not go past go! I’m warning you…. It won’t end well if you have feelings [especially if he doesn’t feel the same]. If no, please continue.
  2. Does your FWB have feelings for you and you don’t have feelings for him? If yes, stop. You don’t want to break to break any hearts [or maybe you do… if so, go for it girl!]
  3. Are you comfortable with your FWB sleeping with other people? No? Pump the breaks sister.
  4. Are you okay with being a booty call? No? Friends with benefits is not for you.
  5. Would you be upset if he doesn’t call the day after you hook up [or the next day or the next day]? Yes? Sorry. Go find a boyfriend.

If you’re okay with any of these things, go for it! FWB can be a lot of fun [depending on your partner]. Just don’t be weird when you see them out at the bar talking to the opposite sex. They will most likely end up in your bed later and that’s the main goal anyways, right? Right.  Just because you’ve  danced the horizontal tango together before does not mean you have any claim on each other. You’re both allowed to talk, flirt with, eye fuck [or do the nasty with] other people [consider it part of foreplay!]. Relax. As long as you’re not a starfish in the sack, I’m sure homeboy will be right beside you in the cab when the bars close. And if not, so what? That’s the beauty of  friends with benefits. Just be confident in yourself [and your sexual abilities]. Confidence is sexy! Also, just a word of advice, don’t get your panties in a bunch when your hook up buddy calls you at 2:00 am asking for you to  be naked in his bed in 30 minutes. Either ignore the call and go back to sleep or throw on some Uggs, get your happy ass in a cab, and go get your rocks off. I suggest the latter [in case you were wondering]. 

What happens when you develop feelings for your fuck buddy? Well my friend, that’s something you have to figure out for yourself. I wish I could tell you there was a perfect answer to this but sadly, there isn’t [at least I haven’t come up with one]. If you’re afraid of getting hurt, run for the hills! But if not, I guess it depends on how great the sex is [and I hope it’s fantastic!].

So screw away, my friends! Don’t forget to wrap it before you tap it.

Ciao for now!