Rules of Dating

imagesAs most of you know, I’m a single gal who has dabbled in the dating world over the past few years. My first date experiences have ranged from something out of a movie, mediocre, to a complete disaster… but there’s always a good story to tell my friends afterwards. I have definitely learned a few things, the do’s and don’ts, if you will, of dating. Please do not take my suggestions as being the answer to all your problems [I’m not a damn magician] but hey, stranger things have happened.

Rule #1. Get enough sleep because dating EXHAUSTING. Not only do you have to worry about whether your hair looks good or your makeup isn’t running off your face [this heat and humidity is going to be the death of me], but you also have to worry about whether the stud muffin you’re meeting at the bar is going to like you [and if you say you don’t care what other people think, you’re a big, fat liar] or not. I bet dating would be so much easier if I were Beyoncé because, let’s be real here, who the eff doesn’t like Beyoncé [and if you don’t, GTFO!]. Her hair and makeup always look fabulous regardless of the temperature outside… Why was I not born as Beyoncé [thanks a lot, mom!]?!

Ok, I’m done feeling sorry for myself for the time being… Where was I?

I never used to get nervous about first dates. Never ever ever.  A few years ago, I was totally blasé [I sound so fancy!] about first dates… just about to meet with a prospective soul-mate, no big deal. No pressure whatsoever. But now? OH MY GOD. You would think the world was coming to an end [I’m not dramatic at all… obviously]. I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR? I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR [as my closet door won’t even close because the mass quantities of fabric spilling out of it]! Oh, and don’t let me forget to mention that one time I left all my makeup at the office… and didn’t realize it until after I had rid my face of my day-time war paint [always want a fresh face, you know!]. Talk about a crisis… thank goodness there is a CVS on every corner. By the time I was dressed and had purchased new make-up [which I applied in my car five minutes after I was supposed to meet him], I was ready for a nap. I literally felt like I had just ran a half-marathon [not a full one because that’s just unrealistic]. So as I said, be well rested. You don’t want to be falling asleep in your beer.

Rule #2. Pick a meeting spot that is easily accessible, in public, and won’t be so congested you can’t even hear yourself think. Generally, picking a bar that is so loud you can’t hear your own thoughts isn’t a good idea since you’re supposed to converse with the babe sitting across from you [unless just staring at each other is your cup of tea]. Of course there are other meeting spots besides a casual bar but I definitely suggest you avoid meeting in movie theaters, deserted parking lots, cemeteries, or your mother’s house.

Rule #3. Engage each other in conversation. Don’t just talk about yourself. I’m sure your life is absolutely fascinating but so is mine. Ask questions, discover what you have in common [if anything], get to know each other.  I’d rather talk to a cat all night than listen to you brag about your awesome life and I don’t even like cats.

Rule #4. Do not, under any circumstances, talk about your ex. This should be self-explanatory.

Rule #5. Limit your phone use. Back in the day, I would say don’t even take your phone out but nowadays, I don’t think that’s realistic [I mean, how else am I supposed to Google the answers to the trivia questions?]. That being said, texting and phone calls are 100% off limits. Oh, I’m sorry… am I boring you? Yes, please, text your friend because it must be soooo important. I’m going home now!

But what about the ‘rules’ I haven’t figured out yet? For example, do you kiss on the first date? If he doesn’t kiss you, does that mean he wasn’t digging you? Should you text your date immediately after you leave to let them know you had an awesome time? Do you wait 24 hours? What if they don’t text you at all? Is that a bad sign [I thought it went so well!]? That what-if’s are exhausting… and now I need another nap.

Ciao for now!

 

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Girl, you crazy

crazy-girl-YouTubeAfter having a much needed girl date with one of my gal pals the other night, I finally realized why men think woman are crazy. BECAUSE WE ARE. Granted, some more than others, but we all have a little crazy buried deep down inside of our psyches. Relax… [take a sip of wine] I’m not saying we are certified crazy and need to be committed to a mental institution, capiche? Just hear me out…

I just noticed that when girls get together and start analyzing their relationships with men, things always go down hill and more wine is consumed than originally planned. But WHY?! Because we were born with two X chromosomes, that’s why!

Typically the conversation always begins with ‘how are things going with [insert-recent-hook-up’s-name-here]?‘ or ‘OMG! Do you remember that guy from way back when that I totally went out with?‘. This is when things go from good… to crazy. In our minds, before we discuss anything with our girls, we have a pretty good grasp on our current situation with whomever is lucky enough to be talking to, hooking up with, or dating us. But once our lovely gal pals start asking us questions like ‘where do you see this going?’ or ‘do you have feelings for him?’, we start to second guess ourselves. Then we start to over-analyze the situation. Woman are SO good at over analyzing simple situations! One second we’ve accepted the fact [and are perfectly satisfied] with the fact that the dude we’ve been texting is strictly a FWB, and the next second we are depressed and crying into our wine glass because we want a relationship with him [insert eye roll here].  The more we discuss it, the worse it gets and then someone ends up subscribing to match.com because we don’t want to die alone with a million cats.

Ladies, listen up. We are all guilty of this. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. At some point in our life, we’ve ALL over analyzed a situation that was clearly black and white. I know I’m guilty of it but you know what? I’m a girl. Over analyzing is built into my DNA [thanks a lot, genetics]. Woman are emotional little creatures. We can’t help it! Some woman are just better than others at hiding the crazy and acting like a lady.

That being said… after you and your girlfriends have talked in circles about something that clearly is out of your control, pull yourself together, put on some lipstick, and move on with your day. The likelihood of you dying alone and having a million cats is very slim [unless that’s your goal in life]. I’m a firm believer in things happen for a reason and what’s meant to be, will be [so cliché, I know]. If you’re satisfied with whatever situation you have going on with said FWB [or whatever you consider him to be], don’t let your girlfriends convince you otherwise. Granted, girlfriends are there to back you up and make sure you don’t get hurt, but stay true to yourself. Do whatever your little heart desires!

Fellas… I apologize for the fact that us women can get a little nuts sometimes and our emotions can sometimes get out of control. Just blame the fact that we weren’t born with a Y chromosome. Be accepting and remember ‘this too shall pass’.

Ciao for now!

 

Ex’s are ex’s for a reason

getting-back-with-ex-meme1You know what kills me? When someone starts dating their ex again. Now I’m all about recycling because it’s good for the environment but recycling significant others is a big no-no in my book. I usually live by the rule ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try again‘ but not when it comes to ex’s. If you’re the one that was broken up with, I’m sure you’re absolutely devastated and have mascara permanently stained into your face from crying so much. So if your ex says he’s ready for a second go-around, you’re more than likely going to jump right back in without thinking. Big mistake, hunny child. Would you jump off a cliff without thinking about it first? Probably not. So here are the top ten reasons why you should never date you ex again:

1. You clearly broke up for a reason. Usually those reasons are pretty legit [like cheating, constant arguing, crabs]. If the reason was a deal breaker then, it’ll be a deal breaker in a few months, too.

2. Change is a good thing. Why keep repeating the same shit over and over again? Change is refreshing. Sure, being single again can suck but think of all the fun you can have!

3. You can’t undo the past. It’s unnecessary baggage. All the bullshit that you two have fought about before will rear it’s ugly head again. I promise.

4. It’s a rollar coaster ride. Don’t get me wrong… I love roller roasters but not when it comes to my love life. Who has time to worry about if you and your boo will be still be together in two weeks when you’ve already RSVP’d to your friend’s wedding? Not me.

5. You get to bone other people! A lot of girls out there worry about the fact that they will most likely end up sleeping with someone new so their ‘number‘ will be higher. OMG! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! Who cares? Shut up and go get laid. Enjoy yourself.

6. If he left you for another girl, he thought he could do better. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t think you were the bomb.com? Because you are. Forget that loser!

7. It’s immature and indecisive. Now coming from someone who has serious commitment issues and cannot make any decision without having a mild panic attack, I’m sure this doesn’t mean a lot.  But seriously… make your decision and stick to you.

8. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Homeboy that just broke your heart is one of a million other homeboy’s and he’s clearly not the one for you [or you wouldn’t have broken up in the first place]. Go get your pole and go fishing. Hope you catch a big one!

9. It’s like reading the same book over and over again. You already know how the ending is [and it’s usually sucks]. Go find a new book. You won’t regret it.

10. It’s the worst idea ever. Seriously. I’d rather step in front of a moving train than date any of my ex’s ever again. Okay, some of them weren’t THAT bad so I’m being a little dramatic but you get the idea… Don’t do it.

Just a little food for thought… Ciao for now!!

The Disappearing Act

magician-poof-disappearing-actI have a girlfriend [she’s a total babe for all you single fellas out there] who recently moved to DC and naturally entered into the dating scene. She’s three weeks in and she’s already caught onto what I like to call ‘The Disappearing Act‘.

This is when someone you have been talking to, sleeping with, playing tonsil hockey with, or doing whatever two single people do with each other just ups and disappears. No explanation. Just poof! Like magic! One minute you’re all hot and heavy and the next… silence. Get the picture? Okay, good.

Now I can’t speak for other places since I’ve only tried the dating scene in this fine city, but I feel like this happens on the reg. The first time it happened to me, my feelings were definitely hurt [yes, I do have feelings… sometimes]. After crying into my cheerios, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was naive and didn’t know how dating actually worked outside of college but it still didn’t seem right to me. But my momma always told me ‘If at first you don’t succeed, you can dust it off and try again‘… wait. No. Aaliyah told me that [sorry, ma!].

So following Aaliyah’s advice, I tried again. Now after the third disappearing act I was just plain mad. How dare he not give me an explanation?! Who does he think he is?! I’ll show him what he’s missing! Eventually I got used to it and here I am two years later, still alive and kicking and still meeting a bunch of magicians. It wasn’t until I finally “disappeared” on someone that I totally understood the reasoning behind it.

Yes, folks, I’ve become a magician myself [but only during emergency situations… obviously]. Yes, I totally get that we are all adults and if we don’t like someone we can at least have the decency to tell them after we’ve gone out a few times. But why? What’s the point? Do you owe me anything? Do I owe YOU anything? Unless we’ve confessed our undying love for each other and I have a ring on my finger, absolutely not. If I’m really not feeling it with homeboy that I met at the bar on Friday night, I really don’t feel like taking the time to tell him the sparks are missing. Disappearing is easy and I feel like this generation loves easy things. Besides, one of the few times I have tried explaining that I just wasn’t into someone, he just couldn’t grasp the concept of ‘I’m just not that into you‘ so don’t think I haven’t tried!

Part of me is a little sad that I’ve become so tolerant to this kind of thing, and even more disappointed that I have done this to someone because I don’t enjoy being an asshole [but shit happens]. But the other part of me is totally fine with it. Okay, so Joe Shmoe doesn’t like me? Big deal. Am I going to lose sleep over it? Absolutely not. Sure, I may be annoyed when my newfound stud muffin doesn’t answer when I casually ask if he wants to grab a drink but guess what? For every one dude that turns me down, there’s two more waiting to ask me out [I’m sure Cosmo probably did a study on it or something].

So for all of you that have experienced something like this, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Brush it off and get on Tinder. I guarantee you’ll find someone who wants to talk to you on there.

Ciao for now lovelies!

I’m yelling tinder!

wpid-Screenshot_2014-01-21-11-21-53-1.pngThis new phenomenon called Tinder is taking over the dating scene. However, I don’t know how much “dating” actually takes place between the Tinderellas and Tinderonis that are swiping day in and day out. It’s probably one of the most shallow activities I’ve ever participated in yet I can’t get enough of it! It’s something to do while sitting on the metro, wasting time on the porcelain throne, pretending to work out at the gym, or when you just can’t seem to fall asleep [forget counting sheep!]I will probably develop arthritis in my thumb if I keep it up…. so much swiping! If you’re looking for Mr. Right you may want to forgo Tinder and join Match… or go to church [whatever works best for you] but it’s perfect if you’re looking for Mr. Right Now. Personally, I tinder for shits and giggles… I mean, why not? It’s definitely an ego booster when you get a match.

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Hallejulah! Someone finds me remotely attractive based on six random photos of myself [that my friends so lovingly picked for me]! I can finally get on with my day [just kidding]. Now the likelihood of me messaging the stud above is slim to none [because that would make way too much sense and I’m an irrational female] and I definitely won’t be holding my breath while waiting for a witty message from him. Gents, if you do message a girl, don’t ask her if she wants to “cuddle”. We all know what that means, and no, we don’t want to. Okay, well maybe some girls do [all the power to you girlfriend!]. At least buy me a drink before you try to take my pants off… Jeez.

Tinder also allows you to see how many friends you have in common on Facebook, if any, which allows you to Facebook stalk the cute boy thats nearby [sweet!]. This definitely plays a role in my decision to swipe right or left. Always remember, when in doubt, swipe left. I mean, do you really want to risk swiping right to the babe that’s Facebook friends with the crazy girl you used to be friendly with? No, you don’t… unless you’re me because YOLO [yes, I said YOLO. Get over it.]. So in that instance, I did swipe right against my better judgement because he is soOoOo dreamy [luckily nothing bad ever came of it].

Now Tinder isn’t all rainbows and butterflies… the one issue I have with it is that I can’t search for someone based on height. Sure, you may look good but how tall are you? How do you ask your new found stud muffin how tall he is without coming across as a total douche? Being 5’10, I need to know if I am going to tower over you when we meet up for HH after work, because you know I’ll be wearing heels which turns me into a 6’1 sasquatch with a pencil skirt. Tinder tip for all you single fellas: Put your height in your personal statement. Ladies love that shit. 

One plus to Tinder is that there is a plethora of options for you. I came across this gem during my swipe fest one day:

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The fact that someone like this was 5 miles from me makes me a little uneasy [sorry Joey!]…. Oh, and then there’s this type of guy:

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That’s a nice set of abs homeboy, but come on!  If I want to stare at picture perfect abs all day, I’ll hit up Google. At least Google won’t ask me to cuddle. And then there was this:

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It Aint what? Oh right… it aint happening. Next!

One way to spice things up is to let your friends Tinder for you… and it usually involves booze [obviously]. That’s what I like to do anyways. It makes for much more interesting matches and makes me feel like I’m living on the wild side… especially when I have tequila running through my veins. Just make sure your friends have your best interest at heart… otherwise you will end up with your roommate swiping right for EVERYONE [you know who you are!].

So to all you commitment-phobes [like myself] who like the casual dating scene, give it a shot. Make sure you stretch before hand. Your thumb is about to get a good workout. Happy hunting!

Ciao for now.

A little to the left…

sexOnce upon a time…. my friend Gunther and I enjoyed a nice four legged frolic. I mean, what else is there to do when it’s snowing like it’s the north pole… right? Anyways, after the typical pillow talk and exchanging high fives on a job well done, my brain just wasn’t ready to shut off. As Gunther lay there snoring like a big hairy man bear [totally hot!], I couldn’t help but wonder… is it socially acceptable to give your partner tips on how to better please you? Don’t worry… Gunther knows what he’s doing [in case you were worried].

But what if your shagging partner gets lost downtown and never gets to the final destination? What’s the point in boning if you’re not even going to get your rocks off? A’iint nobody got time for dat!

So I say go for it! It’s definitely a sensitive subject, but totally necessary in certain circumstances. But if your dude was just born with talent [like Gunther…and me, obviously], congrats! Keep up the good work!

So to all you fornicating betches out there, if you’re in this pre-dick-a-ment, there are a three ways you can go about this:

  1. Completely ignore the fact that the sex is subpar. At least you’ll be great at faking it. [And maybe you should invest in a battery operated device, as well.]
  2. Passive-agressively point him to a how-to article on the internet, like the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy. Beware: now he knows he sucks. You may have to reap the consequences of that.
  3. Have him put some training wheels on and guide him through the process [my personal favorite].

Whichever way you decide, be sensitive. We all like to think we are masters in the genital region, so it can be easy to get butt hurt when someone says otherwise. Sure, it may be a little awkward to tell him he needs directions, but in the end, both of you will be grateful when you help him steer his way through the vaginal valley of adventure. If he’s a man, he’ll get over the fact that he needs to improve, and focus on the goal ahead. Same goes to you, fellas. Don’t be afraid to tell your woman if she needs help when it comes to your bean stalk. Personally, I always aim to please so I can’t imagine that some constructive criticism wouldn’t be beneficial. Onwards and upwards, my friends!

Ciao for now!

What Would James Bond Do?

james bond

What would James Bond do? That is the real question.

I recently went on a first date with a fella who lives his life by the motto WWJBD. At first I was a little confused… but intrigued. This confusion quickly turned into admiration. Here’s why ladies… [and gents].

Said fella picked a time and place for us to meet for our first date. Now, I know that seems so typical but let me tell you, it’s not. I have had a slew of first dates where the guy won’t make plans and leaves it all up to me. Big turn off. So this guy already earned a few brownie points in my book. Not only did he pick a place to meet, but he wanted to pick a place that was convenient for me, not for him. Such a sweet gesture, but naturally, I wanted to head into the city which he was perfectly fine with.

Fifteen minutes before out set meeting time, he let me know he was already there. I panicked… why? Well, that’s because that’s what I do. But he reassured me, that he got there early to make sure our table was ready, etc. He also asked what my favorite drink was. Wine, obviously.

I showed up [on time] and said fella pulled my chair out for me. Seriously. I don’t think a guy has ever done that for me. Not only that, but he had the waitress bring my a glass of my favorite wine as soon as I sat down… hence why he asked what my favorite drink was. No, I was not worried about rufies since the drink came straight from the waitress [in case YOU were worried].

Anyways… long story kinda short. This guy was a total gent. It was absolutely refreshing after all the bad/boring/sloppy/annoying dates I’ve had recently. I have to admit, I was absolutely dreading this date and was sooo close to cancelling. Luckily for me, my girlfriend convinced me to go because really, there was nothing to lose. I’m so happy that I went. Even if nothing comes from this date, it is nice to know that there are some gentleman out there. This one guy has restored [part] of my faith in men and love.

Okay, back to WWJBD. Said fella told me that he lives his life with that motto and that he believes every man should, as well. What would James Bond do? Well, he would definitely pull his date’s chair out for her, always pay for the date, and treat a lady like she deserves to be treated. Yes. Yes. And yes! JB would also be well dressed [don’t even get me started on my past dates’ wardrobe choices… ugh], well mannered, well versed, and be knowledgeable about current events.

This guy met all of these attributes. I was blown away. Like I said… I’ve had one too many disappointing dates so it wasn’t hard to impress me, but honestly, this guy was fantastic! He complimented me on my looks, even went as far as saying I looked better in person than in my pictures. Compliments can be overdone and can seem fake but he didn’t over do it which made me feel good. Not that I was feeling bad about myself… actually quite the opposite but it’s always a confidence booster when an attractive member of the opposite sex finds you attractive. Right? Right!

So to James Bond, thank you for being a role model to a handful of men out there. I know I will not be the last lady to appreciate this. To all the men out there, maybe this can be a lesson to you all. Be a gentleman. Be classy. Be respectful. Ladies love that.

Ciao for now!