The Disappearing Act

magician-poof-disappearing-actI have a girlfriend [she’s a total babe for all you single fellas out there] who recently moved to DC and naturally entered into the dating scene. She’s three weeks in and she’s already caught onto what I like to call ‘The Disappearing Act‘.

This is when someone you have been talking to, sleeping with, playing tonsil hockey with, or doing whatever two single people do with each other just ups and disappears. No explanation. Just poof! Like magic! One minute you’re all hot and heavy and the next… silence. Get the picture? Okay, good.

Now I can’t speak for other places since I’ve only tried the dating scene in this fine city, but I feel like this happens on the reg. The first time it happened to me, my feelings were definitely hurt [yes, I do have feelings… sometimes]. After crying into my cheerios, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was naive and didn’t know how dating actually worked outside of college but it still didn’t seem right to me. But my momma always told me ‘If at first you don’t succeed, you can dust it off and try again‘… wait. No. Aaliyah told me that [sorry, ma!].

So following Aaliyah’s advice, I tried again. Now after the third disappearing act I was just plain mad. How dare he not give me an explanation?! Who does he think he is?! I’ll show him what he’s missing! Eventually I got used to it and here I am two years later, still alive and kicking and still meeting a bunch of magicians. It wasn’t until I finally “disappeared” on someone that I totally understood the reasoning behind it.

Yes, folks, I’ve become a magician myself [but only during emergency situations… obviously]. Yes, I totally get that we are all adults and if we don’t like someone we can at least have the decency to tell them after we’ve gone out a few times. But why? What’s the point? Do you owe me anything? Do I owe YOU anything? Unless we’ve confessed our undying love for each other and I have a ring on my finger, absolutely not. If I’m really not feeling it with homeboy that I met at the bar on Friday night, I really don’t feel like taking the time to tell him the sparks are missing. Disappearing is easy and I feel like this generation loves easy things. Besides, one of the few times I have tried explaining that I just wasn’t into someone, he just couldn’t grasp the concept of ‘I’m just not that into you‘ so don’t think I haven’t tried!

Part of me is a little sad that I’ve become so tolerant to this kind of thing, and even more disappointed that I have done this to someone because I don’t enjoy being an asshole [but shit happens]. But the other part of me is totally fine with it. Okay, so Joe Shmoe doesn’t like me? Big deal. Am I going to lose sleep over it? Absolutely not. Sure, I may be annoyed when my newfound stud muffin doesn’t answer when I casually ask if he wants to grab a drink but guess what? For every one dude that turns me down, there’s two more waiting to ask me out [I’m sure Cosmo probably did a study on it or something].

So for all of you that have experienced something like this, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Brush it off and get on Tinder. I guarantee you’ll find someone who wants to talk to you on there.

Ciao for now lovelies!

I’m yelling tinder!

wpid-Screenshot_2014-01-21-11-21-53-1.pngThis new phenomenon called Tinder is taking over the dating scene. However, I don’t know how much “dating” actually takes place between the Tinderellas and Tinderonis that are swiping day in and day out. It’s probably one of the most shallow activities I’ve ever participated in yet I can’t get enough of it! It’s something to do while sitting on the metro, wasting time on the porcelain throne, pretending to work out at the gym, or when you just can’t seem to fall asleep [forget counting sheep!]I will probably develop arthritis in my thumb if I keep it up…. so much swiping! If you’re looking for Mr. Right you may want to forgo Tinder and join Match… or go to church [whatever works best for you] but it’s perfect if you’re looking for Mr. Right Now. Personally, I tinder for shits and giggles… I mean, why not? It’s definitely an ego booster when you get a match.

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Hallejulah! Someone finds me remotely attractive based on six random photos of myself [that my friends so lovingly picked for me]! I can finally get on with my day [just kidding]. Now the likelihood of me messaging the stud above is slim to none [because that would make way too much sense and I’m an irrational female] and I definitely won’t be holding my breath while waiting for a witty message from him. Gents, if you do message a girl, don’t ask her if she wants to “cuddle”. We all know what that means, and no, we don’t want to. Okay, well maybe some girls do [all the power to you girlfriend!]. At least buy me a drink before you try to take my pants off… Jeez.

Tinder also allows you to see how many friends you have in common on Facebook, if any, which allows you to Facebook stalk the cute boy thats nearby [sweet!]. This definitely plays a role in my decision to swipe right or left. Always remember, when in doubt, swipe left. I mean, do you really want to risk swiping right to the babe that’s Facebook friends with the crazy girl you used to be friendly with? No, you don’t… unless you’re me because YOLO [yes, I said YOLO. Get over it.]. So in that instance, I did swipe right against my better judgement because he is soOoOo dreamy [luckily nothing bad ever came of it].

Now Tinder isn’t all rainbows and butterflies… the one issue I have with it is that I can’t search for someone based on height. Sure, you may look good but how tall are you? How do you ask your new found stud muffin how tall he is without coming across as a total douche? Being 5’10, I need to know if I am going to tower over you when we meet up for HH after work, because you know I’ll be wearing heels which turns me into a 6’1 sasquatch with a pencil skirt. Tinder tip for all you single fellas: Put your height in your personal statement. Ladies love that shit. 

One plus to Tinder is that there is a plethora of options for you. I came across this gem during my swipe fest one day:

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The fact that someone like this was 5 miles from me makes me a little uneasy [sorry Joey!]…. Oh, and then there’s this type of guy:

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That’s a nice set of abs homeboy, but come on!  If I want to stare at picture perfect abs all day, I’ll hit up Google. At least Google won’t ask me to cuddle. And then there was this:

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It Aint what? Oh right… it aint happening. Next!

One way to spice things up is to let your friends Tinder for you… and it usually involves booze [obviously]. That’s what I like to do anyways. It makes for much more interesting matches and makes me feel like I’m living on the wild side… especially when I have tequila running through my veins. Just make sure your friends have your best interest at heart… otherwise you will end up with your roommate swiping right for EVERYONE [you know who you are!].

So to all you commitment-phobes [like myself] who like the casual dating scene, give it a shot. Make sure you stretch before hand. Your thumb is about to get a good workout. Happy hunting!

Ciao for now.